Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
In short: A healthy relationship rests on a few simple things: trust, respect, honest communication, clear boundaries and the freedom to remain yourself. They apply to your partner, your family, your children, your friends and to you. Here are my answers to the 18 questions people ask most often about building relationships that last, and about what to do when one of them hurts.
You put the phone down after talking to your mother and feel irritated without knowing quite why. Your partner says “nothing’s wrong” in a voice that says the opposite. A friend you love hasn’t called for months, and you wonder whether it’s your turn or hers. Relationships are at the centre of our lives, and nobody ever taught us how to look after them.
Healthy relationships take effort, communication and respect. They also give back far more than they cost: they are one of the things that nourish us most. You don’t need to read all 18 answers in one go. Go straight to the question that’s on your mind today.
Frequently asked questions
The foundations
What is a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship, with a partner, a friend or a member of your family, rests on trust and respect. You feel free to say what you think and feel without fear of being judged or criticised, and the other person respects your limits, your opinions and your choices. That gives you both a feeling of safety.
It also needs real communication: listening properly, saying things clearly, being honest even when it is uncomfortable, and looking for a solution together when you disagree.
Two more things matter. The first is equality: both of you count, and both have a say in decisions. The second is room to grow. Each of you keeps your own interests, your own friends and your own sense of who you are, and the other is glad about it. Relationships like these are a large part of what is called primary food, the things that nourish you off the plate. I explain the idea in primary food: having happy relationships.
What role does respect play in a healthy relationship?
Respect means valuing the other person for who they are and treating them with kindness, consideration and dignity. It means accepting their limits, their opinions and their feelings without judging them, even when they are not yours.
When respect is there, you both feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable, because you know you will be heard. Disagreements are also easier: you can discuss calmly and look for a solution without blame or aggression.
When respect is missing, the relationship suffers quickly. Name-calling, belittling remarks, rolling your eyes or brushing aside what the other person feels all wear away trust and leave resentment behind. So watch your words and your tone, especially when you are tired or cross. That is when respect counts most.
How can I build trust in my relationships?
Trust is built slowly, through small things repeated over time. Be reliable: do what you said you would do, arrive when you said you would arrive, and behave in the same way from one day to the next. People relax when they know what to expect from you.
Be honest and open. Lies and secrets, even small ones, damage trust very fast. Say what you intend, what you feel and what you have done.
Show that you understand. Put yourself in the other person’s place and take their feelings seriously, so that they know their wellbeing matters to you. And show your care in what you do, not only in what you say: turn up, help, support.
Finally, be patient. Trust takes a long time to grow and very little time to break. Keep making the effort, and it becomes the solid ground under the whole relationship.
How can I communicate better in my relationships?
Start by listening. Give the other person your full attention, without interrupting and without preparing your answer while they are still talking. Look at them, nod, and ask a question to check that you have understood.
Then say clearly what you think and feel. Nobody can read your mind. Speak in sentences that begin with “I”: “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard” is received very differently from “You never listen to me”.
Pay attention to everything that is not words: your tone of voice, your face, your posture. A kind sentence said in a sarcastic tone is not a kind sentence.
Stay open to what the other person tells you about yourself, be ready to apologise when you need to, and look for a solution that suits you both. Like any skill, this improves with practice, so practise on ordinary days, not only when there is a problem.
Family
How can I have a healthy relationship with my family?
Family is where we first learn about love and about living with other people, and it still needs care when we are adults. Talk openly and honestly about what you feel and what worries you, and listen just as carefully to what your relatives say.
Try to see things through their eyes. Your mother, your brother or your grown-up daughter has their own struggles, and a little compassion changes the tone of many conversations.
Set healthy boundaries, and respect theirs. You can love your family and still decide which subjects you will not discuss at Sunday lunch, or how often you visit.
Make time to be together: a meal, a walk, a holiday, or simply an afternoon with nothing planned. Good memories are what hold a family together.
And let go of old grudges where you can. Resentment is heavy to carry. Forgiveness makes room for healing and for a closer bond.
How can I have a healthy relationship with my siblings?
Brothers and sisters share a bond that can last a whole life, and like every bond it needs looking after. Keep in touch regularly, and go beyond small talk now and then. Ask real questions and listen to the answers, even when you see things differently.
Be clear about what you need and expect from each other, and respect their limits as you would like yours to be respected. You are not children any more, and you do not have to play the roles you had at ten.
Support them. Be there for the big moments, listen when times are hard, and tell them what you admire in them. We rarely say these things to a brother or sister, and they mean a lot.
When a conflict comes up, deal with it without attacking or blaming, and look for a solution everyone can live with. And find something you enjoy together, such as sport, music or cooking. Shared pleasures bring you closer than long discussions.
How can I build a healthy relationship with my children?
Children need to feel seen and heard. Spend time with them that is really theirs: read a book together, walk to the park, cook something. It does not have to be long or special, but your attention has to be there.
Listen when they tell you what they think and feel, without interrupting or judging. Try to understand how things look from where they stand, and let them know that their emotions make sense.
Speak to them clearly, calmly and with respect, and avoid shouting and hurtful words. Show your affection with hugs, with kind words, with small things you do for them, and by saying “I love you”.
Set clear rules and keep to them. Children feel safe when they know where the limits are, and they learn to respect limits in their own relationships later.
As they grow, encourage their independence. Let them make the decisions that fit their age and support them when things are difficult. This is how they learn to trust themselves. It takes time and patience, and it is worth every bit of the effort.
Everyday life together
How can I show appreciation for my partner or friend?
Say thank you, out loud and often: for a thoughtful gesture, for their support, for the ordinary things they do every day. Be specific about what you noticed.
Show affection. Hold hands, give a hug, sit close together on the sofa. Touch says “I’m glad you’re here” without a word.
Make time for them. We are all busy, and time is exactly what shows someone they matter: an evening out with your partner, a coffee with a friend.
Give small, thoughtful presents. They do not have to be expensive. Their favourite treat, or something linked to a hobby, shows that you pay attention to who they are.
Listen to them with your full attention, and be there when they need support. I wrote more about why this matters, and how to do it, in the benefits of expressing appreciation.
What are some healthy boundaries in relationships?
Boundaries are the limits that tell other people what is all right for you and what is not. They create safety and respect on both sides. To set them, you first need to know them: what you are comfortable with, what you are not, which behaviour or subjects you do not accept. Then say so, clearly and kindly.
Be consistent. Once you have set a limit, keep to it. That is how people understand that you mean it.
Respect the other person’s boundaries as carefully as your own. And stay flexible: sometimes your needs and theirs pull in different directions, and you will have to talk and find an arrangement that respects you both.
Setting limits can feel uncomfortable at first, so look after yourself while you learn, and be gentle with yourself if it does not go perfectly. You will find some kind ways of saying no in non-negotiables to keep stress at bay.
What role does compromise play in a healthy relationship?
Compromise is part of every relationship that lasts. When you are willing to meet the other person halfway, you show that you respect their needs and wishes and that their opinion matters to you.
It helps you both grow. By adjusting and trying things you would not have chosen alone, you learn about yourself and about the other person.
It makes you talk. To find a middle way, you have to say honestly what each of you needs, and that builds trust and understanding.
It strengthens the feeling of being a team, two people solving a problem together and not two opponents. And it is fair: you look at both sets of needs and find a balance that feels right to each of you. One thing to watch: a compromise is something both people make. If it is always the same person who gives way, it is no longer a compromise.
How can I build intimacy in my relationship?
Intimacy is far more than physical attraction. It is emotional closeness, the feeling of really knowing someone and being known. It grows with time and attention.
Talk openly about your thoughts, your feelings and your wishes. When you are honest, you make it safe for your partner to be honest too. Tell them what you appreciate in them and how glad you are that they are in your life.
Spend real time together doing things you both enjoy, go out as a couple, and create new memories. When your partner speaks, give them your full attention, ask questions and show that you understand.
Dare to be vulnerable. It can be frightening, but sharing your fears, your hopes and your dreams lets your partner see the real you, and that is where closeness begins. And do not forget touch: a hand on the shoulder, a hug, a kiss in passing all keep you connected.
How can I maintain a healthy relationship long-term?
A relationship that lasts is one that both people keep looking after. Keep talking. If something bothers you, say it early, before a small irritation becomes a big problem.
Keep showing your appreciation: a thank you, a hug, a little note left on the table. Small gestures make the other person feel loved and valued.
Keep the romance alive, even after many years. Plan evenings for the two of you, surprise each other, go away for a weekend now and then.
Respect each other’s boundaries, and work through conflicts together by listening to each other and looking for a solution that suits you both. Support each other’s goals and dreams, and be the one who cheers the loudest.
And laugh together. Find ways to have fun and to be silly. Shared laughter carries a couple, or a friendship, through a great deal. The same is true between friends, as I describe in the power of friendship.
When things get difficult
How can I handle disagreements healthily?
Disagreements are part of every relationship. What counts is how you handle them. When emotions are running high, step back first. Breathe, go for a walk, do whatever helps you calm down, and continue the conversation afterwards.
Speak about your own feelings and avoid blaming. “I feel hurt when you say that” keeps the discussion open, where an accusation puts the other person on the defensive.
Listen without interrupting, and repeat in your own words what you heard, to be sure you understood. Look for the points you agree on and build on them.
Take responsibility for your part. If you made a mistake, admit it and apologise. And if you keep having the same argument without finding a way out, do not hesitate to ask a therapist or counsellor for help. They can give you both better tools for talking to each other.
How can I resolve conflicts in my relationships?
Conflict is natural, and resolving it well can make a relationship stronger. Begin by staying calm. Take a deep breath and do not let the situation escalate. Attacking or blaming only makes things worse.
Listen to the other person’s side and try to understand why they feel as they do. It shows that the relationship matters more to you than being right.
Then say clearly and respectfully how the situation affects you, speaking for yourself with “I”. Do not assume you know what the other person meant or felt: ask.
Look for solutions together. Put several ideas on the table and choose one that meets both your needs. And once the matter is settled, let it go. Holding on to anger or resentment damages the relationship and makes the next conflict harder to resolve.
What role does forgiveness play in a healthy relationship?
Forgiveness lets you move past hurt and rebuild trust and closeness. It is not always easy, especially when you have been deeply hurt by someone you care about.
Forgiveness is a choice: the decision to let go of the anger, resentment and bitterness you feel towards someone. It does not mean forgetting what happened or excusing it. It means putting down the feelings that stop you from finding peace.
In a healthy relationship, it goes both ways. Each person has to be willing to recognise their mistakes, take responsibility and make amends.
To make forgiving easier, try to see the situation from the other person’s side. You do not have to agree with what they did, but understanding what led to it helps. Talk about it openly, give yourself time, and remember that you forgive for your own peace as much as for the other person. Being able to forgive yourself is part of this too, and self-compassion is a good place to start.
What are some red flags to look out for in a relationship?
Red flags are signs that someone may not treat you with the respect, kindness and love you deserve. Keep your eyes open for them, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
Disrespect is one: a partner who regularly puts you down or belittles you. Control is another: someone who tries to decide who you see, what you wear or how you spend your time is not respecting your freedom.
Watch for strong jealousy. Feeling a little jealous now and then is human, but jealousy that leads to checking on you and limiting your contact with others is a serious warning. So are a refusal to talk openly, and dishonesty: lies, secrets and important things kept from you.
Abuse of any kind, physical, emotional or sexual, must never be ignored. If this is happening to you, please look for help and support straight away.
How can I end a toxic relationship?
Sometimes, in spite of all your efforts, a relationship becomes unhealthy, and the best thing you can do for your wellbeing is to end it. The first step is to admit to yourself that it is toxic. That can be painful, but being honest with yourself is where everything starts.
Set clear boundaries, which may mean seeing the person less or stopping contact. Ask for support from friends, family or a therapist, because this is tiring and emotional, and you should not go through it by yourself.
When you end things, be honest about why, if it is safe for you to do so. Then stay firm, and limit or cut off contact afterwards so that you can heal. Remember that you deserve relationships in which you are respected, valued and loved.
If you are afraid of how the other person may react, speak first to a doctor or a specialised support service, and make a plan with them before you do anything.
And you?
How can I build a healthy relationship with myself?
Your relationship with yourself is as important as all the others. You are your own constant companion, so treat yourself with kindness, compassion and respect.
Look after your body and your mind: eat well, move regularly, sleep enough, and do things that bring you joy. Learn to say no when you need to, so that you do not exhaust yourself and end up resentful.
Speak to yourself as you would to a friend. Recognise your strengths and what you have achieved, and allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. Take quiet moments to notice your thoughts, feelings and sensations without judging them.
Keep growing: learn something new, try things, follow what you love. Spend time with people who lift you up, and less with those who drain you. And ask for support when you need it. If you would like to go further, read my article on self-love or my answers to 18 questions on self-compassion.
A last word
Healthy relationships are a fundamental part of life, and they ask for effort, communication and respect. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend or someone in your family, every bit of care you put in comes back to you in wellbeing and happiness. Choose one idea from this page and try it this week, with one person. A relationship changes one conversation at a time. And if you’d like a very simple place to begin, a small act of kindness is always a good start.
Would you like some help?
How we feel with the people around us has a great deal to do with how we eat, sleep and look after ourselves. That’s why relationships have their place in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and we’ll talk about what would help you feel better, in yourself and with the people who matter to you.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
