Photo by Keenan Constance on Unsplash
In short: Non-negotiables are the few small things you protect, whatever happens, because they keep you steady: a walk, lunch sitting down, a proper end to your working day, enough sleep, a call with a friend. When life speeds up, they’re the first things we drop, and that’s exactly when we need them most. Choose two or three, put them in your diary like appointments, learn a kind way to say no, and your stress has somewhere to go.
You open your diary on Monday morning and it’s already full. A meeting someone squeezed in for you on Friday afternoon. A favour you said yes to before you’d even finished hearing the question. The car to take to the garage, a birthday to organise, a form to fill in. You tell yourself you’ll go for your walk on Wednesday, when things calm down. Wednesday comes, and things haven’t calmed down. By the weekend you’re tired, short-tempered and wondering where the week went, and you still haven’t had a moment that was truly yours.
Does that sound like your life, at least in the busy seasons? Then this article is for you. I won’t give you a long list of things to add to your days. What I’d love to do is help you protect a few things that are already good for you, so that stress stops filling every space it finds.
What is a non-negotiable?
A non-negotiable is something you’ve decided in advance, on a calm day, that you’ll keep, even when you’re busy. Especially when you’re busy. It isn’t a rule imposed from outside, and it isn’t another item on your to-do list. It’s a promise to yourself, made because you know how much better you feel when you keep it.
It can be very small. Lunch at the table, away from the screen. A walk before the day gets going. A time after which you don’t open your emails. Bed at a reasonable hour. A weekly phone call with the friend who always makes you laugh. On their own, none of these look important. Together, they’re the walls of the house that keep you sheltered when the wind picks up.
I like the word because it changes the conversation in your head. “I’ll try to go for a walk” leaves the door wide open to anything that comes along. “My walk is non-negotiable” closes it gently, and you no longer have to decide again every single day.
Why does stress build up when we don’t protect anything?
Your body has an accelerator and a brake. When things are demanding, the accelerator goes down: you’re alert, quick, ready to respond. That’s useful for a while. The difficulty is that your body also needs regular moments on the brake, to digest, to repair, to calm the heart and the mind. Without those moments, the accelerator stays pressed all day, and you start to feel it: tight shoulders, shallow breath, a short fuse, broken sleep, cravings in the evening.
Non-negotiables are those moments on the brake, built into your week. And when we’re busy, they’re always the first things to go, because they look optional. The meeting has someone waiting for it. Your walk doesn’t. So it disappears, and with it goes the very thing that would have helped you cope with the meeting.
Stress doesn’t always announce itself, either. It often hides behind tiredness, poor sleep, digestive trouble or a sudden love of chocolate. I described the quieter signs in Uncover hidden stress: tell-tale signs and simple solutions, and you might recognise a few of them.
Why is it so hard to say no?
Because most of us were brought up to be helpful, kind and available. Saying no can feel selfish, even rude. And because the person asking is right in front of you, while the tired version of you next Thursday is nowhere to be seen.
Here’s what I suggest when I work with someone who finds no hard to say. Before you take on anything new, ask yourself two questions. Is it truly needed, for your work or for your own life? And is it so urgent that it can’t wait, and that nobody else could take care of it? If the answer to both isn’t a clear yes, you’re allowed to pause.
Pausing is often enough. You don’t have to say a firm no on the spot. You can say:
“Let me think about it, I’ll come back to you tomorrow.” Then really do wait until tomorrow before you reply.
“I’d be happy to help, but I can’t do it before next week.” You’ll be surprised how often people find another solution that doesn’t involve you.
“I can’t take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. Very often, that something else is your rest, your walk or your evening. A kind no to someone else can be a big yes to yourself.
Which non-negotiables help most with stress?
There’s no single list that suits everyone. What steadies one person does nothing for another, and I always look at the whole of someone’s life before suggesting anything. That’s bio-individuality in practice. But these are the ones I come back to again and again:
Protected free time in your diary. Block it like a meeting, so last-minute requests, which are very often someone else’s agenda, can’t land in it.
A proper lunch, sitting down. Eating on the run keeps your body in alert mode. A real meal, with protein, vegetables and some carbs, eaten at a table, is a little moment on the brake in the middle of the day.
Movement and daylight. A walk in the morning or after lunch shakes off tension and helps you sleep later. I shared ideas for a gentle start to the day in Rise and shine: the power of a morning routine.
An end to your working day. A time after which you stop, and no emails are checked.
A bedtime. Early enough to give you a full night, so that you wake rested rather than already behind.
Connection. A regular call, a coffee, a walk with someone you love. Stress shrinks when it’s shared.
How do I stop work and worries following me into the night?
This is where a lot of stress lives: in the evening and at three in the morning, when the house is quiet and the mind isn’t. Here’s what I suggest.
Close the day on purpose. At your chosen end-of-day time, take a piece of paper and write down everything that’s still going round in your head: the tasks, the worries, the things to remember. Then put the paper away. Your mind can let go because nothing will be forgotten.
Mark the change. Change your clothes, wash your face and hands, put the kettle on, step outside for a few breaths of air. Little rituals tell your body that the working part of the day is over. I describe a whole gentle evening in The power of an evening routine.
Give your nervous system a practice. A few minutes of slow breathing, with the out-breath a little longer than the in-breath, is one of the quickest ways I know to press the brake. You’ll find simple practices in Breathe your way to mindfulness. And if you’d like to go deeper, autogenic training, which I teach, gently trains your body to relax by itself. I explain it in Autogenic training: more than just a relaxation technique. It’s best learnt with a qualified teacher. If you have a heart condition, a mental health condition or epilepsy, or if you’re pregnant, talk to your doctor first, and never practise while driving or doing anything that needs your attention.
If you wake with worries, keep a notebook by the bed. Write the worry down, tell yourself you’ll look at it in daylight, and go back to your slow breathing. Things nearly always look smaller in the morning.
What if my life really doesn’t leave room for this?
I hear this often, and I understand it. When you’re caring for a parent, running a business, looking after children or simply going through a heavy season, the idea of protecting anything can sound like a luxury.
But non-negotiables don’t need to be big. A cup of tea drunk sitting down, without doing anything else. Five slow breaths before you start the car. Lights out at a set time. And here’s what most people notice once they start: they gain time rather than lose it. They have more energy, they make decisions faster, they snap less, and they sleep better, which makes the next day easier still. Sleep and stress are so closely linked that looking after one always helps the other, as I explained in The direct impact of sleep and stress on your weight.
What helps?
1. Choose two or three, and write them down
On a calm day, sit down with a cup of tea and ask yourself: when do I feel most like myself? What keeps me steady? Choose two or three things, no more. Write them on a card and put it somewhere you’ll see it.
2. Put them in your diary like appointments
If your walk isn’t in the diary, someone else’s request will take its place. Block the time, give it a name, and treat it the way you’d treat an appointment with your doctor.
3. Practise a kind no
Choose one of the sentences above, the one that sounds most like you, and practise saying it out loud. The first time is the hardest. After that, it becomes much easier.
4. Give your day a clear end
Choose a time when work stops and the emails close. Write down what’s left on paper, mark the change with a little ritual, and step into your evening.
5. Protect your sleep
Choose a bedtime that gives you a full night, and keep it most days, weekends included. Of all the non-negotiables, this is often the one that changes everything else.
What doesn’t help?
Waiting for things to calm down. They rarely do on their own. Protect your moments now, while it’s busy.
Too many rules at once. Ten non-negotiables become a new source of stress. Two or three are plenty.
Saying yes to avoid feeling guilty. The guilt passes quickly; the tiredness from overcommitting lasts much longer.
Being hard on yourself when you slip. You’ll miss a day. Simply start again the next one, as kindly as you’d encourage a friend. I wrote about this in Why self-compassion is key to a fulfilling life.
Try this for one week
Choose two non-negotiables. One for the day, such as a walk or lunch sitting down, and one for the evening, such as an end-of-work time or a bedtime.
Put them in your diary for all seven days. Each evening, write one line in a notebook: did I keep them, and how did I feel?
And once during the week, when someone asks you for something, try “Let me think about it, I’ll come back to you tomorrow.” Notice what happens. At the end of the week, read your notes. I’d love to know what you discover.
Frequently asked questions
What does non-negotiable mean in self-care?
It’s a small habit you’ve decided to keep whatever happens, because it keeps you steady: a walk, a proper lunch, a bedtime, a call with a friend. You decide it once, on a calm day, so you don’t have to argue with yourself about it every day.
How many non-negotiables should I have?
Two or three is plenty to start with. Too many and they become one more source of pressure.
How do I say no without feeling guilty?
Start by pausing rather than refusing: “Let me think about it, I’ll come back to you tomorrow.” Remember that every yes to someone else is a no to something of yours, often your rest.
When should I talk to my doctor?
If stress is keeping you awake night after night, if you feel anxious or low for weeks, or if you notice physical signs such as palpitations, chest pain or a big change in appetite or weight, please talk to your doctor. You deserve proper support, and it’s there for you.
Would you like some help?
Knowing what keeps you steady is one thing. Protecting it week after week, when everyone else wants a piece of your time, is easier with someone beside you. Stress and how it shows up in our eating, sleep and energy is one of the themes I work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather look at your own week one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and we’ll find the two or three things worth protecting in your life.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
