In short: Primary food is everything that nourishes you off the plate: your relationships, movement, work and spiritual life. Happy relationships are a big part of it, and they make you both happier and healthier. You can improve yours by exploring how you like to feel with others, by seeing clearly which relationships do you good, and by remembering that everyone, like you, wants to belong.
You’ve eaten well all week. Vegetables, proper meals, plenty of water. And still, after a tense phone call with your sister or a silent evening next to your partner, you feel drained, your stomach is in knots and you find yourself in front of the cupboard looking for biscuits. On another day, you come home from a long lunch with a good friend and you feel light and full of energy, even though the meal itself was nothing special.
That’s primary food at work.
What is primary food?
Primary food is a notion I learned during my training as a health coach. It covers the things that feed you without ever touching your plate: your relationships, the way you move your body, the work you do, and your spiritual life, whatever form that takes for you. The food you eat is called secondary food. It matters a great deal, of course, but it comes second.
Why? Because when you feel loved, useful and alive, eating well comes naturally. And when one of these areas is empty, no salad in the world will fill it. I describe other ways to look after these areas in nurture yourself with primary foods.
Why are happy relationships part of healthy living?
We now know that people with strong social ties are healthier mentally, emotionally and physically than people who are isolated. Quality relationships make you happier and healthier.
The opposite is also true. Unhappy relationships create stress and anxiety, and your body lets you know: headaches, poor sleep, digestive trouble and more. These are some of the quieter signs of stress, and we don’t always link them to what is going on between us and someone else.
Your relationship with your partner is often central, but your family and friends are just as essential to a good life. The way you are with your family, your colleagues and your friends reflects how you feel inside. And how you feel inside depends a lot on them.
I made a short video about this, you can watch it below.
How can you be more present with the people you care about?
There are many ways to connect with the people around you, to improve the relationships you already have, and to welcome new people into your life. Here are three practices I suggest.
1. Explore your feelings
Sit quietly for a few minutes and think of moments when you felt included, seen and understood by someone. Remember how it felt to be respected and appreciated. Think of the tenderness and affection you have received. Finally, think of what it feels like to be loved, and of the people who have loved you.
How do you feel after this? And how would you like other people to feel when they are with you? This simple, conscious exercise is an excellent way to look at the quality of your relationships today and to grow better ones in the future. It often leads straight to a small action: a message to send, a thank you to say. If you’d like ideas, read the benefits of expressing appreciation.
2. See clearly which relationships do you good
You can recognise a healthy relationship by its trust, honesty, mutual respect and support. Each person stays themselves, with their own identity, and the relationship brings love and tenderness.
An unhealthy relationship has signs too. Some are obvious, such as feeling pressure to change. Others are less clear: constant anxiety around the other person and fear of disturbing them, manipulation or control, lack of respect, no privacy or no time allowed for yourself, or no effort made to spend time together. Physical violence is never acceptable, and if it’s happening to you, please look for help.
Sometimes these difficulties can be overcome, when both people want things to change. At other times, you realise that it’s in your interest to leave a toxic relationship altogether, and you can move on knowing that you did what was right for your wellbeing and your happiness. Talking with a coach or a close friend helps you see your relationships more clearly and find the actions that fit your needs.
3. Remember that everyone wants to feel close to others
Try to go through your day with the mantra “Just like me”. The colleague who irritates you, the neighbour who never says hello, the stranger who seems so different: they too hope to belong and to be understood, just like you.
The more you approach others with this attitude, the more you receive it in return. Warmth breaks down barriers and opens the door to better communication, equality and support. It’s also the spirit behind small acts of kindness, which cost so little and change the mood of a whole day.
What can you do this week?
Call instead of texting. Choose one person you miss and ring them, even for ten minutes.
Share a meal with no screens. Phones in another room, and one real question: “What was the best part of your day?”
Say one thing you appreciate. To your partner, your child, a colleague. Out loud and specific.
Plan time with a friend. Put it in your diary like an appointment. Friendship needs regular time to stay alive.
Notice how you feel afterwards. After seeing someone, are you lighter or heavier? Your body often knows before your head does.
Relationships are beautiful and messy, complicated and sometimes very simple. No two people are alike, so no two relationships will be either. Working on yours lets you grow, and offers the other person the same chance. It’s also essential for your health and for a long life. Try these practices and notice how your relationships begin to change for the better. And remember: they are part of your primary food.
Frequently asked questions
What is primary food?
Primary food is everything that nourishes you apart from what you eat: your relationships, the way you move, your work and your spiritual life. The food on your plate comes second, because when these areas are in balance, eating well becomes much easier.
Can my relationships really affect my health?
Yes. People with warm, solid ties tend to be healthier in mind and body, while tense or unhappy relationships create stress that can show up as headaches, poor sleep or digestive trouble.
How do I know if a relationship is healthy?
Look for trust, honesty, mutual respect and support, and the freedom to remain yourself. If you feel pressure to change, walk on eggshells, or feel controlled or disrespected, the relationship needs attention.
How can I make new friends as an adult?
Go where people share something you enjoy, such as a class, a walking group or a local association, and keep going back. Familiar faces become acquaintances, and a simple invitation for a coffee can turn an acquaintance into a friend.
When should I talk to my doctor?
If the stress of a relationship is affecting your sleep, your digestion or your mood for more than a few weeks, speak to your doctor. And if you feel unsafe or are being hurt in a relationship, please seek help straight away from your doctor or a specialised support service.
Would you like some help?
In my coaching, I always look at primary food as well as at what’s on the plate, because the two can’t be separated. It’s part of my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac, where being with others is already a little primary food in itself. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and tell me what feeds you well at the moment, and what is missing.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
