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In short: Self-compassion means treating yourself, when things go wrong, with the same kindness and patience you’d offer a good friend. It isn’t self-pity, laziness or self-indulgence, and it can be learned at any age. The 18 questions below cover what it is, how to practise it, the doubts people have about it, and what it changes in your health, your relationships and your goals.
You’ve made a mistake at work, or said something sharp to someone you love, and all evening you replay it. A friend in the same situation would get a cup of tea from you and a few reassuring words. You get a lecture, from yourself. If you recognise that, you already know why self-compassion matters. Here are the questions people ask most often about it, with my answers.
Frequently asked questions
The basics: what is self-compassion?
1. What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is giving yourself the kindness, understanding and patience you would give a close friend who is having a hard time. It has three parts. You are kind to yourself instead of harsh. You remember that everyone makes mistakes and meets difficulties, so you are not the odd one out. And you notice what you feel, honestly, without pushing it away and without being swept off by it.
2. How is self-compassion different from self-love?
Self-love is the wider one: a deep appreciation of yourself, which shows in the way you value your wellbeing and look after your body, your mind and your emotions. It is not selfish or egotistical. Self-compassion is what self-love looks like on a bad day, when you have failed, when you are hurting or disappointed. The two feed each other: each time you answer a difficult moment with kindness, you are loving yourself in practice. I’ve written more about the power of self-love in a separate article.
3. Why is self-compassion important?
Because the way you speak to yourself colours everything else. When you meet a setback with understanding, the difficult feeling passes more quickly and you get back on your feet sooner. You also see yourself more truthfully: your strengths and your weaknesses, side by side, without drama. That steadier view is a much better starting point for learning and growing than fear of your own criticism. I go into this in why self-compassion is key to a fulfilling life.
4. How is self-compassion different from self-esteem?
Self-esteem is how you rate yourself, and it often leans on things outside you: results, appearance, what other people think. So it tends to rise on good days and drop on bad ones, and it invites comparison. Self-compassion asks for no rating at all. It is there for you whether you succeeded or failed, which makes it a steadier base for your sense of worth. If you’d like to look at self-esteem itself, read why self-esteem matters for your health and happiness.
How do you practise it?
5. How can I practise self-compassion?
Start with four things. Acknowledge what you feel instead of brushing it aside: “this is hard, and I am sad about it”. Listen to how you talk to yourself and replace the harsh sentence with an encouraging one. Stay present with a difficulty without judging yourself for having it. And ask for help when you need it, from a friend, a relative or a professional. Reaching out is an act of kindness towards yourself.
6. What are some practical ways to practise it every day?
A few minutes of mindfulness meditation, to get to know your own mind with acceptance. Kind self-talk: the words you would use with a friend. A journal, where you can write what happened and how you feel, safely and without a reader. Regular self-care, such as movement, rest and a hobby you enjoy. And company: people who are going through something similar, or a therapist or coach who can encourage you. You’ll find these worked out as daily habits in six everyday ways to be kinder to yourself.
7. How can I recognise when I am not being self-compassionate?
Listen for the signs: harsh self-criticism, going over the same mistake again and again, feeling inadequate or worthless, an inner commentary you would never direct at anyone else. When you catch one of these, pause. Ask yourself: would I speak like this to someone I love? Then say the sentence again, the way you would say it to them. There is more on this in my article on negative self-talk.
8. How long does it take to develop self-compassion?
It depends on you: your history, your beliefs about yourself, and how regularly you practise. Some people feel a difference within a few weeks, others need many months before it becomes second nature. Progress is rarely a straight line. You will have harsh days again, and those days are part of the practice, not proof that it is not working.
9. Can self-compassion be taught or learned?
Yes. It is a skill, and like any skill it grows with practice and guidance. There are books, workshops, courses and guided meditations devoted to it, and it is part of many kinds of therapy and coaching. Mindfulness, journaling and compassion meditations are the most common ways in. What matters is to practise a little, often, and to stay open to learning. If mindfulness is new to you, my 18 questions on mindfulness are a good place to begin.
Doubts and misunderstandings
10. Can self-compassion lead to complacency or laziness?
This is the most common fear, and in practice the opposite happens. When a mistake no longer means a storm of self-criticism, you dare to try, to look honestly at what went wrong and to try again. You begin to see setbacks as chances to learn instead of reasons to give up. Kindness and high standards sit very well together.
11. Is self-compassion the same as self-indulgence?
No. Self-indulgence chooses what feels pleasant now, often at the expense of what is good for you later. Self-compassion wants your long-term wellbeing. Sometimes that means rest and comfort. Sometimes it means going for the walk, cooking the meal or having the difficult conversation, because that is what truly looks after you.
12. Can self-compassion be harmful?
In itself, no, but it can be confused with two things. One is rumination: turning round and round on yourself and your troubles, which raises stress instead of easing it. The other is self-pity, which keeps you in the role of victim. True self-compassion acknowledges the difficulty, then looks outward again, towards other people and towards what you can do next. And if you feel low most days, or dark thoughts keep returning, please talk to your doctor: kindness to yourself includes getting proper help.
13. Can self-compassion be practised alongside other self-improvement techniques?
Yes, and it makes them work better. Setting goals, managing your time, reducing stress, changing a habit: each of these involves slipping up now and then. With a supportive attitude towards yourself, a slip is just a slip, and you carry on. Self-compassion also sits naturally alongside therapeutic approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy or mindfulness-based programmes.
What does it change in your life?
14. What are the benefits of practising self-compassion?
You feel calmer and less anxious, because you are no longer under attack from inside. You handle your emotions with more ease. You stay motivated for longer, since a setback does not knock you flat. Your relationships deepen, as kindness to yourself spills over into empathy for others. And life as a whole feels more satisfying and more your own.
15. Can self-compassion help with physical health?
It can, mostly through what it changes in your daily life. People who treat themselves kindly tend to look after themselves better: they move, eat well and protect their sleep because they feel worth the effort, not as a punishment. Self-compassion also lowers the stress you carry, and a body under less stress rests, digests and recovers more easily. The same kindness applies at the table, as I explain in building a kinder relationship with your body and food.
16. How does self-compassion influence relationships?
When you are less hard on yourself, you become less defensive. You can hear a remark without crumbling, say sorry without drowning in shame and ask for what you need. You also have more patience for other people’s imperfections, since you have made peace with some of your own. All of this makes for calmer conversations and closer connections.
17. How can self-compassion help with feelings of guilt or shame?
Guilt and shame usually arrive with a harsh judge attached. Self-compassion answers that judge with understanding: “I got this wrong, and I am still a decent person who can put it right.” From there you can take responsibility, apologise or repair what can be repaired, instead of going round in a circle of self-blame. That is how emotional healing begins.
18. Can self-compassion help me achieve my goals?
Yes. Any goal worth having comes with obstacles and days when nothing goes to plan. If each of those days ends in self-criticism, you will soon want to stop. If it ends with “that did not work, what can I learn, what do I try tomorrow?”, you keep going. Self-compassion gives you a healthy balance between accepting yourself as you are and continuing to grow.
Self-compassion is a vital part of a joyful and fulfilling life. Kindness towards yourself, the knowledge that everyone struggles sometimes, and an honest awareness of what you feel: practise these three, a little every day, and you’ll find yourself on steadier ground.
Would you like some help?
Changing the way you eat and live goes so much better when you stop being your own harshest critic, and that is one of the things we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to know when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and bring the question from this list that speaks to you most. We’ll start there.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
