Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash
In short: Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a good friend, especially when things go wrong. It isn’t selfish and it doesn’t make you lazy: a kind inner voice calms your stress, helps you learn from mistakes and makes healthy changes much easier to keep. You can learn it, step by step, starting with noticing how you speak to yourself.
You said you’d have a quiet evening, and instead you finished the cheese, half the bread and a few squares of chocolate in front of the television. Or you snapped at someone you love. Or you forgot something important at work. And then the voice starts. “Typical. You never stick to anything. What’s wrong with you?” It goes on long after the moment has passed, sometimes all evening, sometimes into the night.
Would you ever speak to a friend like that? I doubt it. If a friend told you the same story, you’d probably put the kettle on, listen, and say something like “Oh, that sounds like a hard day. Be gentle with yourself.” So why do we keep the harshest words for ourselves? That’s what I’d like to look at in this article, along with the simple practices I use in my coaching to soften that inner voice.
What is self-compassion?
“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” Christopher Germer
I love this sentence because it’s so simple. Self-compassion is being on your own side. It means noticing when you’re struggling, and responding with warmth and understanding instead of criticism.
I like to think of it as three gentle movements:
Noticing. “This is hard right now.” You acknowledge what you’re feeling, without pushing it away and without drowning in it.
Remembering you’re human. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has difficult days, everyone eats the chocolate sometimes. You’re part of the big human family, and imperfection is something we all share.
Kindness. “What do I need right now?” And then offering yourself what you’d offer a friend: comfort, rest, a little encouragement.
And the lovely thing is that self-compassion can be learnt. It’s a skill, like learning to breathe more slowly or to cook a new dish. The more you practise, the more natural it becomes.
Isn’t being kind to myself just letting myself off the hook?
This is the worry I hear most. Many of us believe our inner critic is what keeps us going. If we stopped being hard on ourselves, we’d become lazy, give up, eat everything in the house and never get anything done.
In my experience as a coach, the opposite is true. Criticism makes us feel ashamed, and shame makes us want to hide, give up or comfort ourselves. Kindness makes us feel safe enough to look honestly at what happened and try again.
Think of a child learning to walk. Nobody shouts at a toddler for falling over. We smile, hold out our hands and say “come on, try again”. And they do, over and over, until they walk. That’s how learning works, at any age. Self-compassion keeps your standards exactly where they are. It simply changes the voice that helps you reach them.
And it isn’t selfish either. When you’re kinder with yourself, you tend to have more patience and warmth for the people around you. You can only give from a cup that has something in it.
Why is my inner critic so loud?
Your inner critic usually started out as a protector. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in childhood, perhaps at school or at work, you learnt that being hard on yourself kept you safe from other people’s criticism, or helped you do well. So that voice is trying to help. It just uses words that hurt.
It also gets louder when you’re tired, stressed or hungry. When your batteries are low, the gentle, wise part of you goes quiet first, and the critic has the stage to itself. That’s why a bad day so often ends with an even worse conversation with yourself. Stress hides in many places like this, and I wrote about the quieter signs in Uncover hidden stress.
You don’t need to fight the critic or make it disappear. You only need to notice it, and to know that you don’t have to believe everything it says.
What does self-compassion have to do with eating and health?
A great deal, and it’s one of the main reasons I write about it. When I work with someone on their eating, the plate is rarely the whole story. Very often, what keeps people stuck is the loop that follows a “slip”: the guilt, the harsh words, the “I’ve ruined it now, so I might as well carry on”. That loop is often more painful than anything they ate.
Guilt is a form of stress. And stress is one of the very things that sends us back to the cupboard. I described this loop in How to overcome emotional eating, and why it can tighten in the darker months in Comfort eating in autumn. Self-compassion gently breaks it. Instead of “I’m hopeless”, you say “I was exhausted and I needed comfort. That makes sense. What would help me tomorrow evening?” And suddenly there’s a way forward.
It’s the same with your body. Many women in midlife look in the mirror with very critical eyes. But we look after the things we love far better than the things we’re at war with. I wrote about building a kinder relationship with your body in Your body, your story, and you’ll find more answers in my FAQs on body positivity.
Why does kindness make change easier?
When the critic is shouting, your body reacts as if it were under threat. Your shoulders tighten, your breath gets shallow, your heart speeds up. You’re in alert mode, and in alert mode nobody makes calm, wise decisions.
Kindness has the opposite effect. A warm word, a hand on your heart, a slow breath: these tell your body that it’s safe. From that calmer place, you can think clearly, learn from what happened and choose your next step. That’s why I always say that lasting change grows out of kindness much better than out of guilt. I explore this more in Why change is hard, and how to make healthy habits stick.
How do I practise self-compassion in everyday life?
Gently, and in small moments. You don’t need a quiet retreat. The best moments to practise are the ordinary ones: after a mistake, when you look in the mirror, when you’ve eaten more than you planned, when you’re exhausted and the to-do list is still long.
Self-compassion also lives in how you look after your body. Getting enough sleep, eating regular, nourishing meals, moving in a way you enjoy, saying no when you’re tired: these are all acts of kindness. Listening to your hunger instead of overriding it is one too, and I wrote about it in Beyond dieting: your body’s hunger cues as self-care.
What helps?
1. Notice the voice
For a few days, simply listen to how you speak to yourself. You might be surprised how often the critic speaks up. Don’t argue with it. Just notice: “Ah, there’s the critic again.”
2. Ask what you’d say to a friend
When something goes wrong, imagine your best friend telling you the same story. What would you say to her? Now say those same words to yourself, ideally out loud or in writing. It feels strange at first, and then it starts to feel like relief.
3. Take a kind pause
Put one hand on your heart or your belly. Feel the warmth of your hand. Take three slow breaths, letting the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath. Then say to yourself: “This is hard. Everybody has moments like this. May I be kind to myself.” You’ll find more simple practices in Breathe your way to mindfulness.
4. Forgive, then take one small step
Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t matter. It means saying “That happened. I’m human. What’s one small thing I can do differently next time?” Then leave the rest behind, and move on.
5. Treat looking after yourself as kindness
A proper lunch, an earlier night, a walk, a moment of quiet. Do them because you deserve to feel well, and leave the guilt out of it. That changes everything about how they feel.
What doesn’t help?
Waiting until you’ve “earned” kindness. You don’t need to be thinner, fitter or more successful first. You deserve it now.
Forcing positive thinking. Telling yourself everything is wonderful when it isn’t rarely works. Acknowledging that it’s hard is much more comforting.
Criticising yourself for being self-critical. The critic is an old habit. Notice it with a smile, and carry on.
Doing it all alone. Sometimes we need someone else’s kindness before we can find our own.
Try this for one week
Each evening, take a small notebook and write down one moment from the day when you were hard on yourself. Underneath, write what you would have said to a friend in the same situation.
Then, once a day, at any moment you like, take your kind pause: hand on your heart, three slow breaths, and a few gentle words.
At the end of the week, read your notebook. You’ll probably notice the same harsh sentences coming back, and you’ll also have seven kind answers ready for next time.
Frequently asked questions
What is self-compassion in simple words?
It’s treating yourself with the same kindness, patience and understanding you’d offer a good friend, especially when you’re struggling or have made a mistake.
Is self-compassion the same as self-pity or being selfish?
No. Self-pity keeps you stuck in your own story; self-compassion remembers that everyone struggles, and helps you take the next step. And it’s not selfish: being kinder to yourself usually makes you kinder to others too.
How can self-compassion help with emotional eating?
It breaks the loop of eating, guilt and more eating. When you meet a difficult evening with understanding, you calm the stress that drives the eating, and you can think about what you really need next time.
When should I talk to my doctor?
If your inner critic is so harsh that you feel low, hopeless or anxious most days, if you’ve lost interest in things you used to enjoy, or if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, please talk to your doctor or a mental health professional straight away. You deserve proper support, and it’s there for you.
Would you like some help?
Kindness towards yourself grows faster in good company. In a group, you hear other people say out loud the very things you thought only you felt, and something in you softens. The relationship with food, guilt and our bodies is at the heart of my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you prefer to talk one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and we’ll look together at how you could be a little more on your own side.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
