Photo by Nellia Kurme on Unsplash
In short: Self-esteem is your overall sense of your own worth and your trust in your abilities. It matters for your health and your happiness because it shapes your choices: how you look after yourself, what you dare to try, what you accept from others. It isn’t fixed. You build it through small actions, kept promises and a kinder way of talking to yourself.
Someone pays you a compliment and you bat it away: “Oh, it was nothing.” A job comes up that would suit you, and you don’t apply, because surely others are better. You cook a proper meal when guests come, and eat standing at the counter when it’s only you. Have you ever felt that you weren’t good enough, that you didn’t quite deserve success or happiness?
It’s a very common feeling, and it can do real damage to your wellbeing and to what you allow yourself to become. But you can change how you think and feel about yourself. Self-esteem can be built, at any age.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is your overall sense of self-worth and confidence. It’s how you see yourself, on the inside and in the world. When your self-esteem is healthy, you believe in yourself and in your abilities. When it’s low, you doubt yourself and what you could do.
It isn’t the same as thinking you’re better than other people, and it isn’t loudness or bravado. It’s quieter than that: a settled feeling that you count, that your needs matter and that you can handle what comes. It is also a little different from self-acceptance, and I explain how in the difference between self-esteem, selfishness and self-acceptance.
Why does self-esteem matter for your health?
Because we look after what we value. When you believe you’re worth the effort, you cook for yourself, you go to bed on time, you make the appointment you’ve been putting off, you go for your walk. When you don’t, those things slip to the bottom of the list, behind everyone else’s needs. Day after day, that difference shows in your energy, your sleep and the way you eat.
Low self-esteem also weighs on the mind. Constant self-doubt is tiring. It can lead to anxiety, to low mood and to a habit of avoiding anything that might go wrong. And it reaches the table too: it’s hard to feed a body kindly when you speak to it harshly. If that touches you, you may like my article on building a kinder relationship with your body and food.
And for your happiness?
Self-esteem touches your relationships, your work and your general outlook on life. When you believe in yourself, you’re more likely to take a chance and go after what you dream of. You say what you think, you ask for what you need, and your relationships are more equal and more satisfying for it.
When your self-esteem is low, you hold yourself back. You avoid challenges. You stay quiet in the meeting. You settle for less than you deserve, in love, in friendship or at work, because some part of you believes that less is all you can expect.
How can you improve your self-esteem?
Improving your self-esteem takes time, and it’s worth every bit of it. Here are nine ways to build your confidence and a more positive picture of yourself. Most of them are things you do, because self-esteem grows more from action than from thinking.
1. Be kind to yourself
Treat yourself as you would a friend, with love and respect, and don’t beat yourself up over mistakes or shortcomings. Self-compassion is the ground everything else grows in.
2. Challenge the voice that says you’re not good enough
When you hear it, question it. Is it really true? What evidence is there against it? You’ll usually find plenty. I’ve written a whole article on answering negative self-talk.
3. Focus on your strengths
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Instead of dwelling on what you can’t do, look at what you’re good at. Write a list if it helps: the things people thank you for, the things that come easily. Celebrate what you’ve accomplished and let yourself be proud.
4. Surround yourself with positive people
Seek out supportive people who lift you up and believe in you. The company you keep has a big influence on how you see yourself.
5. Take care of yourself
Eat well, sleep enough, move regularly. Each time you look after your body and your mind, you tell yourself, somewhere deep down, that you value and respect yourself. This works in both directions: self-esteem leads to self-care, and self-care builds self-esteem. So you can start from either end.
6. Set achievable goals
Begin with small goals you can reach, and work your way up. A walk three times this week. One drawer tidied. One phone call made. Every goal met is proof that you can trust yourself, so celebrate each one.
7. Step outside your comfort zone
Try something new. Take on a challenge that makes you a little nervous. You’ll learn new skills and gain confidence in your abilities, and you’ll discover that the fear of failing, which so often sits behind low self-esteem, is bigger than failure itself. If you keep waiting for the right moment, give yourself permission.
8. Embrace your imperfections
Perfectionism is a real barrier to self-esteem, because it sets expectations that can never be met. Embracing your imperfections means accepting yourself as you are, flaws and all. They’re a natural part of being human, and they don’t define your worth as a person.
9. Practise gratitude
When you pay attention to what you’re thankful for, you’re less likely to get caught up in self-criticism or in comparing yourself with others. Gratitude also helps you see your own value and what you’ve already achieved.
What if you have a bad week?
You will. Building self-esteem doesn’t go in a straight line, and there will be setbacks and challenges along the way. Stay with it. Keep the supportive people close, whether that’s a friend who believes in you, a therapist or a coach.
And remember that self-esteem is not a fixed trait. It goes up and down with your circumstances and experiences. If yours is low right now, that doesn’t mean it always will be. With time, effort and patience, you can build a healthy sense of your own worth.
Try this today
This evening, write down three things you did well today. Small things count: you listened to a colleague, you cooked dinner, you made the call you’d been avoiding. Then choose one small goal for tomorrow and write that down too. Tomorrow evening, tick it off. That’s how it starts.
Frequently asked questions
Can self-esteem really change, or is it part of my character?
It can change. Self-esteem is not a fixed trait. It moves with your circumstances and your experiences, and it responds to what you do. If it is low at the moment, that says something about now, not about always.
Is high self-esteem the same as arrogance?
No. Someone with healthy self-esteem has nothing to prove, so they have no need to put themselves above others. They can admit a mistake, ask a question and be glad for someone else’s success. Arrogance is usually a cover for doubt.
Where do I start if my self-esteem is very low?
Start small and concrete. Choose one modest goal for this week and keep it, then notice that you kept it. Add a daily act of care for your body, such as a proper lunch or an earlier night. Confidence grows from promises you keep to yourself.
What if the people around me keep putting me down?
Their words say more about them than about you, but they still wear you down. Spend more of your time with people who believe in you, and look for one supportive voice, a friend, a therapist or a coach, who can remind you who you are.
When should I talk to my doctor?
If feeling worthless has become your everyday mood, if you have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, or if anxiety or low mood are affecting your sleep, your eating or your work, please talk to your doctor. Low self-esteem and depression can look alike, and you deserve proper support.
Would you like some help?
Believing you’re worth looking after is where every lasting change in eating and lifestyle begins, and it’s one of the things we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, send me a note at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and tell me about one thing you’d do if you believed in yourself a little more. We can make it your first small goal.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
