Photo by Celine Druguet on Unsplash
In short: Self-esteem is knowing who you are, what you feel and what you need, and living in a way that respects it. Selfishness looks similar from a distance, but it comes from the opposite place: an inner emptiness that keeps asking for more. Self-acceptance is the ability to look at yourself as you are, today, without judging. It is the ground self-esteem stands on, and you need both.
A friend invites you out on Friday evening. You’re tired, and what you’d really like is a quiet night at home. You almost say so, and then the thought arrives: “Don’t be selfish.” So you go, you smile, and you come home even more tired than before.
That small scene holds a big confusion. Many people can’t tell the difference between self-esteem and selfishness, so they hold back from caring for themselves in case it’s the wrong one. Let’s put the three words side by side: self-esteem, selfishness and self-acceptance.
Why do we find it so hard to value ourselves?
The emotional side of life is what we miss most. Our ability to be a good person, and to take proper care of ourselves, has been neglected in a competitive, patriarchal culture that rewards winning, producing and being strong. The qualities often called feminine or maternal, giving freely, caring, working together, have had much less room.
For those qualities to grow, something else has to be in place first. You can’t love without loving yourself. And yet we’ve become used to running ourselves down. It has become so normal that we hardly hear it any more: “silly me”, “I’m hopeless at this”, “it’s only me”.
What is selfishness?
It can seem that being selfish means loving yourself too much. It’s the other way round. Selfishness is a compensation for the self-esteem that is missing.
It’s like a voice calling out: “I’m here! I want this! I want that!” It’s a claim made from an inner emptiness, a wish to feel like more than you believe you are. Narcissism is the same thing. Wanting, having and being noticed stand in for the simple feeling of “I am”, the quiet satisfaction of being a person.
That’s why selfishness is never satisfied. Nothing from outside fills that space for long. And it’s why the answer to it is not less love for yourself, but more. Love can’t exist unless it also helps a person to find themselves and love themselves, to treat themselves well, to know their own wishes and to live in harmony with them.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, so here is what I mean by it. Self-esteem is a good thing. It means loving the inner being that you are.
More precisely: self-esteem is the intentional understanding of your truth, which includes your personality, your needs and your feelings, followed by looking for lasting and fulfilling ways to live in accordance with it.
So it has two parts, knowing and doing. You know you need quiet after a full week, and you keep Friday evening free. You know you feel better when you eat a proper lunch, and you make time for one. You know a certain friendship drains you, and you see that person a little less. It’s care for your mind, your emotions and your body, all together. I look at what this brings you in why self-esteem matters for your health and happiness.
There’s a catch, though. You can’t do any of this if you reject or demonise who you are, what you feel and what you need. This is where self-acceptance comes in.
What is self-acceptance?
Self-acceptance is the ability to be in the present moment of your truth without judging it as false, bad, too much or not enough.
“I’m tired” is your truth this evening. Without acceptance, it turns straight into “I shouldn’t be tired, other people manage, what’s wrong with me?” With acceptance, it stays what it is: “I’m tired.” And from there you can do something sensible about it.
Accepting yourself means seeing yourself as complete, now, not once you’ve lost weight, become more patient or finished everything on your list. It doesn’t mean you’ll never change. It means you stop making your worth wait for the change. If the judging voice is strong in you, my article on negative self-talk will help.
How do self-esteem and self-acceptance work together?
Simply put, self-esteem is the deep care you take of your mind, your emotions and your body, and self-acceptance is the mindset that makes that care possible.
Trying to practise self-esteem without a foundation of self-acceptance is like banging your head against a wall and wondering why you have a headache. You push yourself through a new routine while telling yourself you’re lazy. You eat well as a punishment for your body. It doesn’t last, because you’re caring for someone you haven’t stopped fighting. You need both.
How can you tell the three apart in daily life?
Go back to that Friday invitation.
Self-acceptance says: “I’m tired, and that’s allowed.”
Self-esteem says: “I’ll stay in tonight. Shall we have lunch next week instead?”
Selfishness would say: “Everyone should come to my place, when it suits me,” and feel hurt if they didn’t.
The first two leave room for the other person. The third one doesn’t. That’s the test: self-esteem looks after you without taking from anyone, and very often it leaves you with more to give.
What helps?
1. Name what is true, without a verdict
Once a day, finish the sentence “Right now I feel...” and stop there. No “but”, no “I shouldn’t”. Just the feeling.
2. Ask what you need
Then ask: “What do I need?” Rest, food, company, quiet, movement, a good cry. Often the answer is surprisingly small.
3. Do one thing about it
Meet that need in one concrete way today. This is self-esteem in action. If you tend to wait until everyone else is served first, read Give yourself permission.
4. Say a kind no
“I’d love to see you, but not tonight.” A no said warmly is not selfish. I give a few more ways to say it in Non-negotiables to keep stress at bay.
5. Be patient on the days it doesn’t work
Some days the old judging comes back. Meet it with a little self-compassion and begin again.
Frequently asked questions
Is it selfish to put myself first sometimes?
No. Looking after your own needs is what allows you to be there for others without resentment. It becomes selfish only when you regularly take from others with no regard for what it costs them.
How can I tell whether I am acting from self-esteem or from selfishness?
Look at what is underneath. Self-esteem feels calm: you know what you need and you can say it, and you can hear a no. Selfishness feels urgent and never satisfied, because it is trying to fill an emptiness that things and attention cannot fill.
Does accepting myself mean I stop trying to change?
No. Acceptance is an honest starting point, not a final verdict. When you stop fighting who you are and what you feel, you have far more energy and clarity for the changes that truly matter to you.
Which comes first, self-esteem or self-acceptance?
Self-acceptance. You cannot take good care of a person you keep rejecting. Once you can look at your personality, your needs and your feelings without judging them, caring for yourself follows much more naturally.
Would you like some help?
Learning to look after yourself without guilt is one of the things we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Whenever you need, whenever you want, let’s talk: book a free 20-minute call, and we’ll look at what taking good care of yourself could mean in your life.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
