Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash
In short: You don’t need anyone’s permission to be fully yourself, only your own. After a lifetime of adapting to what others expect, you’re allowed to love more deeply, breathe more freely, say a clear “yes” and a clear “no”, and set the boundaries that let you express all that you are. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You only have to choose, consciously, what you do.
The house is quiet at last. Everyone has been fed, the messages have been answered, the washing is on. You sit down with a cup of tea and you notice that you’re still waiting. Waiting for the right moment to take up painting again. Waiting until the children are settled, until work calms down, until someone says: “Go on, it’s your turn now.”
Nobody is going to say it. Not because they don’t love you, but because it isn’t theirs to give. This permission is yours.
Why do you need permission at all?
You are extraordinary. Expressing your “self” is your birthright. And yet you have been trained all your life to adapt to what society wants you to be: a good girl, a helpful colleague, a devoted mother, a daughter who never makes a fuss.
Like every woman alive, you have nevertheless achieved all the wonderful things you have in your life. Look at them for a moment. The people you’ve raised or cared for. The work you’ve done. The home you’ve made. The hard times you’ve come through. You did all that while fitting in with everyone else’s needs.
And now, give yourself permission to be even more than you dared before. No one else can offer the world what you can. You have your own flavour, texture, colour, voice, beliefs and abilities. How fully you step into who you are has everything to do with how much you will enjoy your life.
What can you give yourself permission for?
Give yourself permission to release everything you are. To love a little deeper. To breathe more deeply. To speak kindly about what you have kept inside until now.
In everyday life, that can look very ordinary:
Permission to sit down for lunch, even when the list isn’t finished.
Permission to say what you’d really like for dinner, for the holidays, for your birthday.
Permission to wear the bright colour, sing in the car and laugh loudly.
Permission to change your mind about something you agreed to years ago.
Permission to rest without having earned it first.
Permission to want more, and to say so.
Read the list again and notice which line makes you a little uncomfortable. That’s probably the one you need most.
How do strong “yes” and “no” statements help?
Being all that you are includes creating a strong “no” and a strong “yes”. Give yourself permission to set boundaries that support the expression of all that you are.
A weak yes sounds like “I suppose I could”, and it leaves you resentful by Thursday. A strong yes is said with your whole heart: “Yes, I’d love to.” A strong no is just as clear, and it can be perfectly kind: “No, I can’t take that on. Thank you for asking me.” You don’t owe anyone a long explanation.
A boundary is not a wall against other people. It’s the edge of the garden in which you can grow. If you often confuse looking after yourself with being selfish, I explain the difference in self-esteem, selfishness and self-acceptance. And for the practical side of saying no, see non-negotiables to keep stress at bay.
What if you meet resistance?
Do this, and see where it leads you. Start here, with one small permission.
If you find areas of great resistance, use them. Explore them. Perhaps you tell yourself you’ll speak up at the next family meal, and when the moment comes, your throat closes. Perhaps you book an afternoon for yourself and feel so guilty that you cancel it. Don’t scold yourself. Get curious. Whose voice is saying that you shouldn’t? What are you afraid would happen? Often the fear is much older than the situation in front of you.
You don’t have to be stuck if you don’t want to be. Free yourself before asking someone else to free you. You are a beautiful woman, whole, alive and sacred. Your life is your choice. If fear is what holds you back, you may like the power of courage.
What can you do when things get too difficult?
When things get too difficult, stop, breathe, and remember the choices that brought you to this chaotically beautiful moment. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy.
Be grateful for the good that comes to you. Learn from the bad experiences. Say sorry whenever you need to. And when you feel yourself tightening up, come back to your breath for a minute before you do anything else.
You don’t have to be strong all the time. You can cry in the car, ask for a hug, or leave the washing-up until tomorrow. You just have to choose consciously what you do. Choosing wisely and deliberately is what makes you love what you do. And loving what you do in life is what makes you stronger. I write more about this in the power of choice.
Try this today
Take a sheet of paper and write at the top: “I give myself permission to...” Finish the sentence five times, without thinking too long.
Circle the one that makes your heart beat a little faster.
Do something small about it before the week is over: one phone call, one hour blocked in your diary, one honest sentence to someone close.
Put the paper where you’ll see it, inside a cupboard door or in your purse.
Frequently asked questions
What does it mean to give yourself permission?
It means you stop waiting for someone else to tell you that you are allowed: allowed to rest, to speak, to say no, to want something different. You decide it yourself, the way you would for a friend you love.
Why do I feel guilty when I do something for myself?
Because most women were taught from childhood to adapt and to put others first. The guilt is an old habit, not a sign that you are doing something wrong. It fades with practice, when you see that the people around you cope perfectly well.
How do I start setting boundaries?
Start small and specific. Choose one situation this week and prepare one sentence, such as: I am not free on Sunday afternoons. Say it calmly, without a long explanation, and keep to it. A boundary is simply a clear yes or a clear no.
What if the people around me do not like it?
Some may be surprised at first, because they are used to the old you. Stay kind and stay clear. Most people adjust quickly, and your relationships often become more honest and more relaxed when others know where they stand with you.
Would you like some help?
Giving yourself permission to look after your own needs, at the table and beyond it, is one of the things we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call. Consider it your first permission: twenty minutes that are only about you.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
