Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash
In short: Self-love means accepting and appreciating yourself as you are, strengths and weaknesses together, and treating yourself with the care you’d give someone you love. It isn’t selfish and it isn’t pampering. You live it through small daily habits: looking after your body, keeping your boundaries, noticing what’s good, asking for support. It’s the ground that joy and fulfilment grow in.
You remember your friend’s birthday, and you’d never let her skip lunch on a busy day. You tell your daughter she looks lovely and that her mistake at work will be forgotten by Friday. You’d drive across the county for someone who needed you.
And you? You eat standing up, say yes when you mean no, and go to bed thinking about everything you didn’t get done. If you treated a friend the way you treat yourself, would she still be your friend?
That’s what this article is about: the relationship you have with yourself, and how to make it a good one.
“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” Sonya Friedman
What is self-love?
Self-love is accepting and appreciating yourself for who you are. It means knowing your strengths and your weaknesses and being kind to yourself about both. In practice, it means your wellbeing counts, and you look after yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually, as you would look after anyone in your care.
Many people think self-love is about treats: a bubble bath, a new lipstick, a weekend away. Those are lovely, but self-love goes much further. It’s there in the dull, daily choices too: going to bed when you’re tired, cooking yourself a proper meal when nobody else is eating, leaving a conversation that’s hurting you.
Isn’t self-love selfish?
This is a common worry, especially for women who have spent years looking after everybody else. No, it isn’t selfish, and it has nothing to do with being full of yourself. It’s about taking care of yourself so that you can show up well for others. When you’re exhausted and resentful, the people around you get what’s left of you. When you’re rested and at peace with yourself, they get the best of you. I looked at where the line runs in the difference between self-esteem, selfishness and self-acceptance.
Why does self-love matter so much?
Because the way you see yourself colours everything: how you treat your body, how you are with other people, how you meet a difficult day.
You feel steadier. When you accept yourself, there’s less room for self-doubt and harsh inner commentary, and stress is easier to carry.
Your relationships are healthier. Feeling secure in yourself makes it easier to trust, to say what you need and to forgive. You no longer need someone else to tell you you’re all right.
You make better choices. You feed yourself well and rest when you need to because you’re worth looking after, not because you’re trying to fix something that’s wrong with you.
You dare more. When your worth doesn’t depend on the result, failing is much less frightening. You can apply, try, begin again, because whatever happens you’ll still be on your own side.
This is why I see self-love as the foundation of a joyful and fulfilling life. You can read how it fits into the bigger picture in The three pillars of joy and fulfilment.
How do you practise self-love in daily life?
Self-love isn’t a feeling you wait for. It’s something you do, a little every day. Here are the habits that count most.
1. Look after your body
Eat well, move, sleep enough. It sounds too simple to matter, and yet it’s the most direct message you can send yourself: you deserve care. A real lunch at the table says more than any affirmation.
2. Make time for what nourishes you
A walk in nature, a book, a few minutes of meditation, something creative with your hands. Put it in your diary as you would a meeting or a doctor’s appointment, and keep it. If it isn’t in the diary, someone else’s request will take its place. I explain how to protect that time in Non-negotiables to keep stress at bay, and you’ll find ideas for a slower day in my Sunday self-care routine.
3. Set boundaries
Know your limits and respect them. Say no to the activities, commitments and relationships that drain you. This is hard if you’re used to putting everyone else first, and the first few times you may feel guilty. Do it anyway. Each kind no protects your time and energy, and reminds you that they’re worth protecting.
4. Notice what’s good
Each evening, write down three things you’re grateful for, or share them with someone at the table. It takes two minutes and it slowly changes what your eyes look for during the day. More on this in how gratitude can change your outlook.
5. Speak to yourself kindly
Your inner voice shapes how you see yourself. Talk to yourself as you would to a dear friend, and forgive yourself as readily. If that voice is harsh most of the time, it deserves an article of its own, and I’ve written one: how to quieten negative self-talk.
6. Take time to reflect
Write in a journal, sit quietly, or talk things through with a friend you trust. When you understand what you think and feel, you understand what you need.
7. Get to know your emotions
When a feeling rises, try to name it: “I’m disappointed”, “I’m tired”, “I’m hurt”. A feeling with a name is easier to live with than a vague heaviness, and far less likely to end in the biscuit tin.
8. Celebrate what you achieve
Set goals you can reach, and mark your progress along the way. Stop comparing your life with other people’s and look at how far you’ve come. And when you miss a goal, don’t be hard on yourself. Adjust it and carry on.
9. Let yourself be supported
Spend time with people who love and encourage you. You don’t have to do this by yourself: a friend, your family, a community, a coach or a therapist can all be part of it. There’s more on this in Primary food: having happy relationships.
10. Be patient
You’ll have bad days and you’ll make mistakes. That’s allowed. Offer yourself the understanding you’d offer anyone else who was learning something new.
What if it feels strange at first?
It probably will. If you’ve spent years doubting yourself and measuring yourself against others, being on your own side can feel unfamiliar, even a little embarrassing. It takes time to unlearn old patterns and build new habits.
So start small. Don’t try all ten habits at once. Choose one, the one that made you think “I never do that”, and practise it for a week. Then add another. You’ll find a gentle place to begin in Give yourself permission.
Try this today
Open your diary and block half an hour this week that belongs to you. Give it a name.
Say one kind no, to something you’d only have agreed to out of guilt.
This evening, write down three things you’re grateful for, and one thing you did well today.
You are worthy of love and happiness, exactly as you are today. It begins with the way you treat yourself.
Frequently asked questions
Is self-love selfish?
No. Self-love is not about putting yourself above others or admiring yourself. It is about looking after yourself well enough to have something to give. When you are rested, fed and at peace with yourself, you are more patient and more present with the people you love.
What is the difference between self-love and self-care?
Self-love is the attitude: accepting and appreciating yourself as you are. Self-care is what that attitude looks like in your day: a proper meal, a walk, an early night, a no when you need one. Self-care without self-love quickly becomes one more list of things to get right.
Where do I start if I do not like myself very much at the moment?
Start with what you do, not with what you feel. You do not have to feel loving to cook yourself a proper dinner, go to bed on time or keep one small promise to yourself. Feelings often follow actions. Choose one small thing and repeat it every day.
How long does it take to build a better relationship with yourself?
It takes time, like any relationship. Old habits of doubting and criticising yourself were learnt over many years. Most people notice small changes first: they recover faster after a mistake, or they say no without a day of guilt. Bad days are part of it.
When should I talk to my doctor?
Talk to your doctor if you feel low, worthless or anxious most days for more than a couple of weeks, if it affects your sleep, appetite or work, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself. In that last case, ask for help straight away. Coaching does not replace medical or psychological care.
Would you like some help?
Learning to look after yourself as well as you look after everyone else is one of the things we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to know when the next group opens, send me a line at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and we’ll talk about the one habit that would make you feel most cared for, by you.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
