In short: Taking care of yourself means looking after the whole of you: your heart, your body and the life around them. It begins with listening to what your heart is asking for, goes on with small conscious decisions about your food and your days, and holds together with kindness, perseverance and love. You can start anywhere. What matters is to start.
Have you ever felt that life is made of “I must”, “I should” and, far too often, “I would like to”? These little phrases can turn round and round in your head without you even noticing. They are so deeply printed in your heart and your mind that perhaps you no longer hear them.
Your life seems to unfold under your feet. Children, work, shopping, friends, your partner, projects. You give the impression of managing. And yet.
And yet, if you press pause for a moment and watch the scene you are living, you see something else. Yes, everything seems to be going the way you want. But deep down you know that this is only part of the truth. You manage the activities, the family, the people at work and all the hats you wear, sometimes well and sometimes less well. And the question that comes up is: “What about me?”
You have read and heard many times that taking care of yourself matters, and that loving yourself is good for you and for the people you love. But what does taking care of yourself really mean?
Where does this article come from?
I met Agnieszka Tarka, a certified practitioner of the ThetaHealing® method, and this article grew out of that meeting. The ideas below about the heart, conscious decisions and love are hers.
ThetaHealing is an energy-based technique. It is practised in a deeply relaxed state called theta, the state you pass through as you drift towards sleep, when the subconscious and your intuition are easier to reach. The idea behind it is that the beliefs we carry, knowingly or not, shape our lives. We see the same patterns come back again and again and we don’t understand what to change. We may even blame other people, or life itself. Yet a belief such as “I always come last” quietly guides our choices, because the subconscious doesn’t judge whether a belief is helpful or not. It simply acts on it.
The method looks at all the dimensions of a person: physical, emotional and spiritual. It is a complementary practice, something that can support you alongside medical or psychological care and never in place of it. And you don’t need to practise it to use what follows.
What is your heart telling you?
If you close your eyes now, what does your heart say to you? What is it whispering in your ear? Can you hear it at all?
To take care of yourself is first to take care of your heart, your soul, your essence, whichever word feels right to you. It is that brief moment of awareness that reconnects you with all that you are, and that can guide you for the rest of the day, or the rest of your life.
Taking care of your heart means taking your needs, your wishes, your worries, your sorrows and your joys seriously, so that you can be the unique person you are.
An everyday example: before you get out of the car at the end of the day, stay where you are for a minute. Hands in your lap, eyes closed. Ask “What do I need this evening?” The answer is often very simple. Ten quiet minutes. A proper meal. A call to your sister. An early night. A few slow breaths help you hear it, and I describe an easy way in coming back to your breath.
Primary food and secondary food: which comes first?
Whether you start with your body or with your heart does not matter. What matters is to start. Each step brings you closer to yourself.
There are two kinds of food. Secondary food is the physical kind: the vegetables, the fruit and everything else on your plate. Primary food is what nourishes you beyond the plate: personal growth, the work you do on your beliefs, your relationships, your spiritual life.
You know the difference from experience. After a warm evening with people you love, you go home feeling full in a way that has little to do with what was served. And on a day when you feel empty or unseen, no amount of chocolate fills the gap. If you’d like to go further, read how to nurture yourself with primary foods and why happy relationships feed you. For the plate itself, there is sustaining your body with healthy food.
Primary food and secondary food are two ideas I use in my coaching. You’ll find them with the others in the six most important concepts for a healthy life.
Why do small conscious decisions matter so much?
Whichever food you begin with, you have to decide to do it. Making conscious decisions is your power.
And which decision is the bigger one: “I won’t have coffee today” or “I’m changing jobs”? It is not as obvious as it seems. A small daily habit touches your body every single day, and coffee, for example, doesn’t suit everyone equally well. The small decision is also the one you can make this morning, and each one you keep shows you that you can trust yourself with the next.
A conscious decision is simply one you make on purpose instead of out of habit. You notice your hand reaching for the third cup and you ask, “Do I want this, or is it just the time I usually have it?” Sometimes the answer is yes, and you enjoy it. Sometimes it’s a glass of water you were after. I’ve written more about this in the power of choice.
Kindness and perseverance
Once your decisions are made, surround them with gentleness, like a caress on your skin. There is no need to rush and no need to put yourself under pressure. What you need at the beginning is kindness towards yourself, and perseverance.
Kindness, because you will forget, slip and start again, as everybody does. If the voice in your head is hard on you when that happens, learning to be kind to yourself may help. Perseverance, because one walk changes little and a walk most days changes a great deal.
What about the days when it feels too hard?
This is where you say to yourself: if it were that simple, everyone would do it. And you are right.
The most courageous decision you can make is to keep moving forward, to take responsibility for your own life and bring your own unique footprint to the world. Perseverance and discipline help you climb the stairs. The size of the step doesn’t matter. What matters is to take the next one, and then the next. It is a daily task, sometimes a task of every moment, and it is also the one that will bring you the most satisfaction. In the end, only you have the power to improve your life.
Remember the story of the three little pigs. Build your house with bricks, not with straw or sticks. It asks for more strength, more courage and more work, but it is the only house that stands when the wolf comes blowing. In everyday life the bricks are the small things you repeat: the vegetables you buy on Saturday so that they are there on Wednesday, the bedtime you keep, the walk you take even when it drizzles. A brick house holds on the evenings when temptation knocks. And you will feel proud of yourself, and more yourself, after every success.
If you know what you’d like to change and can’t seem to get going, you may recognise yourself in why change is hard, and how to make healthy habits stick.
The magic ingredient
Whether your challenge is about food, a relationship, something artistic or a sport, it will do you good if you fill it with love. Whatever you do, do it with love and respect for yourself and for others. Love is the magic ingredient you can add to everything you undertake, and it is what makes your decisions and your actions solid and true.
Cooking dinner because you “have to” and cooking dinner as a way of looking after yourself are the same task, and they don’t feel the same at all. Unconditional love makes you grow, heals you and brings you back to who you really are. And you can use as much of it as you like: there is no contraindication.
Try this today
Press pause. One minute, eyes closed, and the question “What do I need right now?”
Listen to your “musts”. Write down the “I must” and “I should” that run through your head today. Next to each, note whether it is truly yours.
Choose one food. Something for your plate, such as a vegetable you enjoy at dinner, or something for your life, such as a walk with a friend.
Make one conscious decision. Small, clear and for today only.
Lay one brick. Repeat it tomorrow, and be kind to yourself if you forget.
Add love. Do one ordinary thing, washing your face, laying the table, as if you were doing it for someone you cherish.
For more ideas, see mindful self-care.
About Agnieszka Tarka
Agnieszka Tarka is a certified practitioner of the ThetaHealing® method and a certified aromatherapist. Her sessions are in French only. You can follow her on Facebook.
Frequently asked questions
What does taking care of yourself really mean?
It means looking after the whole of you: your heart and what it needs, the food on your plate, and the things that feed your life, such as relationships, rest, movement and meaning. It starts with small conscious decisions, kept up with kindness.
What is the difference between primary food and secondary food?
Secondary food is what you eat: vegetables, fruit and everything else on your plate. Primary food is what nourishes you beyond the plate: personal growth, relationships, a sense of meaning, your spiritual life. Both matter, and you can start with either.
Is taking care of myself selfish?
No. Looking after yourself is good for you and for the people you love. When you are rested and nourished, you have more patience, more energy and more warmth to give.
What is ThetaHealing?
ThetaHealing is an energy-based technique practised in a deeply relaxed state called theta, the state you pass through as you drift towards sleep. It works with the beliefs we carry without noticing. It is a complementary practice and does not replace medical or psychological care.
When should I talk to my doctor?
Talk to your doctor if you feel exhausted, low or anxious for more than a couple of weeks, if you sleep badly night after night, or if you have physical symptoms that worry you. Self-care sits alongside medical care and never replaces it.
Would you like some help?
Looking after the whole of you, what is on your plate and what feeds your life, is what we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and we can talk about your own “What about me?” and the first small step that would do you good.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
