Photo by Miquel Parera on Unsplash
In short: What you think, over and over, shapes what you say, what you do and the habits you build, and those habits shape your life. You can’t control every thought that passes through your mind, but you can learn to notice the ones you repeat and to answer them more kindly and more truthfully. Start with one thought, practise every day, and the rest follows more naturally than you’d expect.
You’re standing in front of the mirror on a Monday morning and, before you’ve even brushed your teeth, a voice in your head has already had its say. “You look tired. You should have gone to bed earlier. You never stick to anything.” Nobody else heard it. You barely heard it yourself, because it’s been saying the same things for years. And yet you carry it with you into the kitchen, into the car and into the rest of your day.
You’ve probably come across the old saying: watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny. It’s easy to nod and move on. But have you ever stopped to ask what it means for your own life, this week?
How do thoughts turn into a life?
I like to think of thoughts as seeds. The ones you water grow. If you tell yourself every day that you’re hopeless at cooking, you’ll speak about yourself that way (“oh, I can’t cook”), you’ll reach for the ready meal, and after a while that’s simply how you eat. Nothing dramatic happened. A thought became a sentence, the sentence became a choice, and the choice, repeated, became a habit.
Habits are the things we do without thinking, on autopilot. That’s what makes them so strong, in both directions. When your habits match the person you’d like to be, life gets easier, because you don’t have to decide again each morning. When they don’t, you can feel as if you’re rowing against yourself.
And over time, your habits shape your character: your values, the way you treat people, what you do when nobody is watching. From there come the choices you make, the opportunities you take up and the people you draw close. That’s the chain the saying describes. It starts very small, in the privacy of your own head.
How do I become aware of my thoughts?
The first step is simply to listen. For a few days, pay attention to what you say to yourself, especially at the tricky moments: when you make a mistake, when you look in the mirror, when you’re about to try something new. You don’t have to change anything yet. Just notice.
Ask yourself two questions. Is this thought kind? And does it help me towards what I want, or does it hold me back? You may be surprised how many of your daily thoughts are neither kind nor useful, and how old some of them are.
It’s much easier to hear your thoughts when your mind is a little quieter. A few slow breaths are often enough, and I describe some simple ways to do this in five breathing practices, step by step.
What do I do with a negative thought?
Once you can hear a thought, you can answer it. When you catch “I’m not good enough”, replace it with something you can stand behind: “I am worthy, and I’m capable of reaching my goals.” If that feels like too big a step, choose a sentence halfway there: “I’m learning, and I’m allowed to take my time.”
This isn’t about pretending. It’s about being as fair to yourself as you’d be to a friend. As your thoughts shift, your words and actions follow. You speak about yourself differently, you try the thing you’d been avoiding, and you begin to act like someone who is on her own side.
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
Norman Vincent Peale
Why is it not enough to do this once?
Watching your thoughts is a daily practice. It’s like going to the gym: you can’t go once and expect to see results. You go regularly, you put in the effort, and progress comes over time. Some days you’ll forget completely and find yourself halfway through the afternoon in a bad mood, wondering how you got there. That’s fine. Notice, and begin again.
Changing a habit takes time and, sometimes, real effort, and breaking an old one takes even more. That’s why it’s worth being deliberate about the habits you form, and why I always suggest one at a time. I wrote more about this in why change is hard, and how to make healthy habits stick.
Try this: grow what you want more of
It isn’t only about weeding out negative thoughts. It’s also about planting good ones. When you focus on what you want to create, and not only on what you want to avoid, you feel far more motivated.
1. Choose one quality
Ask yourself who you’d like to be a little more of. More patient? Calmer? More organised? Pick one.
2. Give it a daily practice
If you’d like to be more patient, practise mindfulness and breathing exercises, so that you have something to lean on when the queue is long or the children are arguing. If you’d like more calm in your body as well as your mind, autogenic training is a method I teach and value. If you’d like to get more done, a morning routine can set you up for the day.
3. Write your new sentence down
Put it where you’ll see it: on the bathroom mirror, inside the cupboard door, on the first page of your diary. Read it in the morning, before the old voice gets going.
4. Find your own way
This is personal. What works for one person may not work for another. Some people do best with meditation and a notebook, others with a walk, a run or something creative. Try things, keep what suits you, and don’t be afraid to change along the way.
What changes when you mind your thoughts?
Your relationships, for a start. When you’re more aware of your words, you’re less likely to react on impulse or say something you don’t mean. You listen better, and you find it easier to see the other person’s point of view.
You also grow more confident. You know you have a say in how your life goes, and it shows in what you do. You feel readier to go after what matters to you and to take on something new, trusting that you can deal with the obstacles when they come. Much of this is what I mean by mindset, and why it matters so much for a joyful life.
It helps to have people around you: a few friends, a coach or mentor, a group of like-minded people who encourage you and keep you going when your own motivation dips.
And it goes beyond you. When you show up as your best self, the people around you notice, and some of them start to do the same. That’s a quiet way of doing good in the world, and we could all use more of it.
Where can I learn more?
If you’d like to read further, two books are worth your time: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, on staying in the present moment, and Atomic Habits by James Clear, a step-by-step way to build helpful habits and let go of unhelpful ones. If you prefer to be guided, the apps Headspace and Insight Timer both offer meditations and mindfulness exercises, and there are many inspiring TED Talks on mindfulness and personal growth.
Frequently asked questions
Can I really choose my thoughts?
Not the first one. Thoughts arrive by themselves, often out of old habit. What you can choose is what you do next: whether you believe the thought, repeat it, or answer it with something kinder and more accurate. That second step is where the change happens.
Isn’t this just positive thinking?
No. Pretending everything is wonderful doesn’t work, because part of you knows it isn’t true. The aim is to speak to yourself fairly, the way you would speak to a friend: honest about what is hard, and clear about what you can do next.
How long does it take to change a thinking habit?
It depends on the person and on how old the habit is. Most people notice a difference within a few weeks of paying attention every day: the old thought still comes, but it has less grip. Stay patient and keep practising, the way you would with any new skill.
What if the same negative thought keeps coming back?
That is normal. A thought you have had for years is a well-worn path. Each time it returns, notice it, name it and give your new answer again. You don’t need to fight it. You only need to stop feeding it.
When should I talk to my doctor?
If dark or anxious thoughts are there most of the day, if they affect your sleep, your appetite or your work, or if you feel hopeless, please talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. Changing your self-talk is a helpful daily practice, and it sits alongside proper care. It does not replace it.
Would you like some help?
What we tell ourselves about food, our bodies and our ability to change is one of the things we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and tell me about the one thought you’d most like to change. That’s a very good place to begin.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
