In short: How you think and talk to yourself shapes what you do with food far more than any eating plan. When weight loss starts from self-criticism, it tends to end in tiredness and giving up. When it starts from understanding your body, respecting your own story and looking after yourself kindly, the changes you make are easier to keep, whatever the scales say.
You stand in front of the mirror in the morning and the commentary begins before you’ve even had breakfast. This bit is too big. That bit used to look different. You promise yourself that today you’ll be “good”. By the evening you’re tired, something went wrong at work, you eat what’s in the cupboard, and the voice comes back, harsher than before. Tomorrow, you say. Monday.
If you know that circle, please hear this first: there’s nothing wrong with you. What needs to change is rarely your willpower. It’s the way you’ve been taught to think about food, about your body and about yourself. That’s what I’d like to look at with you here.
Why does my mindset matter so much when I want to lose weight?
Because every choice you make about food passes through your thoughts first. If you believe you’re someone who “always fails”, one biscuit becomes proof, and the whole packet follows. If you believe your body is the enemy, you’ll fight it, and a body that’s being fought doesn’t relax. If you believe you may only like yourself once you’ve changed, every day until then feels like waiting.
A different way of thinking gives a different day. You eat the biscuit, enjoy it, and carry on with your afternoon. You notice you’re tired and go to bed earlier, where before you would have looked for energy in the fridge. Nothing dramatic happens, and that’s exactly why it lasts. I wrote more about how thoughts shape our days in Mind your thoughts, change your life.
Why are we so confused about food and our bodies?
We live in a time of conflicting messages. The media and a long list of experts tell us we’ll feel good if we eat a certain way, exercise enough and control ourselves. One year it’s one rule, the next year it’s the opposite. We don’t know what to think any more.
And underneath all that advice sits a harder message: if you don’t have the ideal weight, a perfect way of eating and endless energy, you must be doing something wrong. That message isn’t true, and it does a lot of damage. It turns food into a test, and your body into a report card.
Everyone has a unique relationship with food and with their body, and it deserves respect. This is what we call bio-individuality: there are as many ways of eating well as there are people. I explain it in why there’s no one right way to eat. So many of us stay stuck because we keep following the fashionable plan that’s supposed to work for everyone, and that never matches our own life. You’ll find my thoughts on that in why I don’t believe in diets.
Is it really a question of willpower?
Most people think that eating too much is simply a lack of will. There is another way to see it. When you go through a period of overeating, there’s a reason. It may be stress at work, difficulties in a relationship, family worries, an old wound, loneliness. Sometimes it happens just when things are going well, and for some reason you get in your own way.
Sometimes the reason is physical. Your meals don’t give your body what it needs, so it keeps asking for more: it’s truly hungry for nourishment. The list of possibilities is long.
Every difficulty you have with food and your body has its own wisdom, rooted somewhere in your biology, your history, your emotions, or a mixture of all of these. Your food worries make sense. They exist for a reason. Once you’ve found the reason, you can relax, put down the self-criticism and choose a way forward that fits you. If you recognise yourself in eating for comfort, you might like to read how to overcome emotional eating, gently.
What about the body I see in the mirror?
It’s striking how many people live in a body they’ve decided is unacceptable, convinced they must change how it looks before they’re allowed to love themselves. So they wait. For the holiday, for the dress, for the number.
I’d like to suggest another order. Don’t take your challenges with food or weight so personally. They’re not a verdict on who you are. Accepting yourself means being able to see yourself as complete, now, today, in this body. From there, looking after yourself stops being a punishment and becomes something you do because you matter.
This doesn’t mean you have to adore every part of yourself every morning. Being on friendly terms with your body is enough to begin with. I go further into this in how to build a kinder relationship with your body and food.
What does a helpful mindset look like in daily life?
Here are the six things I come back to when someone wants to lose weight without losing themselves on the way.
1. Know why you want this
Go beyond the number. What do you want to be able to do, and how do you want to feel? Climb the stairs without getting out of breath, play on the floor with your grandchildren, wake up with energy, feel at ease at the table. A reason like that keeps you going on an ordinary Tuesday evening, when a number on the scales says very little about your life.
2. Notice the small things that go well
You drank water with your lunch. You went for a walk although it was drizzling. You stopped eating when you’d had enough. These are the real changes, and they deserve to be noticed. Say them to yourself in the evening, or write them down. What you pay attention to grows.
3. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend
Changing how you eat isn’t easy, and there will be days that don’t go as planned. Be gentle with yourself on those days. A difficult evening isn’t a failure. It’s information: what happened just before, and what did you need? Learn from it and carry on with the next meal, not next Monday. If your inner voice is very loud, this article on quietening negative self-talk may help.
4. Choose the people around you with care
Spend time with people who encourage you: a friend, a member of your family, a group of people who want the same thing. Being supported makes a real difference to how steady you feel. And it’s fine to step back a little from conversations that are only about diets and sizes.
5. Take a few mindful minutes each day
Mindfulness helps you become aware of your thoughts and emotions before they decide for you. It’s especially useful when you’re stressed and about to reach for something without thinking. Sit down, follow your breath for a few minutes and bring your attention back to the present moment. Then ask yourself what you really need.
6. Look for joy along the way
Try a new recipe. Put music on while you cook. Find a way of moving that you enjoy. If the whole thing feels like a sentence to be served, you’ll want it to end. If there’s pleasure in it, you’ll want to keep going.
Try this today
This evening, write down three things your body did for you today. It carried the shopping, hugged someone, got you up the hill.
The next time you catch a harsh thought about yourself, add one sentence: “and I’m learning.” It changes the tone straight away.
Before you eat something you hadn’t planned, pause for three slow breaths and ask: am I hungry, tired, upset or bored? Then eat it or don’t, but choose.
Pick one way of noticing progress that has nothing to do with the scales: your energy in the afternoon, how you sleep, how your clothes feel, your mood.
What can I honestly expect?
Many people find that when they eat in a way that suits them and treat themselves more kindly, they feel lighter in every sense: more energy, a steadier mood, often better nights. Notice that these things come from the way you look after yourself day by day. They don’t wait for you at a certain weight.
It also helps to be clear about what weight loss can’t do. It won’t solve everything. It doesn’t make worries disappear, and it isn’t a treatment for anxiety or low mood. And weight is only one part of health. Sleep, stress, movement, the people you love and time for yourself all count just as much, and they influence each other. I explain the link in how sleep and stress affect your appetite and weight.
There’s no single way that suits everybody. What works for your friend may not work for you. The aim is to find a way of eating and living that fits your life, your tastes and your body, so that you can keep it up without gritting your teeth.
Frequently asked questions
Can I want to lose weight and still accept my body?
Yes. Accepting your body means you stop treating it as a problem to be solved before your life can begin. From there you can still choose to eat differently, move more or sleep better, because you want to look after yourself. Care and acceptance work very well together.
Why do I lose motivation after a few weeks?
Motivation is a feeling, and feelings come and go. It usually fades when the plan is too strict, when you only look at the scales, or when one difficult day makes you feel you have failed. Smaller steps, kinder words and other ways of noticing progress help you carry on when the first enthusiasm has gone.
Is overeating just a lack of willpower?
No. Eating more than you need almost always has a reason: stress, tiredness, loneliness, not eating enough earlier in the day, or meals that do not really nourish you. When you look for the reason with curiosity, you can do something about it. Blaming yourself only adds another weight to carry.
How do I stop criticising myself in the mirror?
Start by noticing the words you use, and ask whether you would say them to a friend. Then choose one neutral or kind sentence to say in their place, such as “this body carried me through today”. It feels odd at first. With practice, it becomes the more familiar voice.
When should I talk to my doctor?
Talk to your doctor before making big changes to how you eat if you have a health condition or take medication, and if your weight changes without any clear reason. Please also ask for help if food, weight or your body take up most of your thoughts, if you feel low or anxious for more than a couple of weeks, or if eating has become a source of fear or secrecy. A change of mindset does not replace medical or psychological care.
Would you like some help?
The way we think about food and our bodies is one of the things we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. It’s much easier to be kind to yourself in a room where others are learning to do the same. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and tell me what the voice in your head says about food. We’ll start from there, gently.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
