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In short: In her book Loving What Is, Byron Katie shows how it’s our thoughts about a situation, more than the situation itself, that make us suffer. Her method, The Work, comes down to four simple questions you ask of any stressful thought. You don’t fight the thought or push it away. You look at it honestly, and very often it loosens its grip by itself.
You’re lying in bed and one sentence keeps going round. “She should have rung me back.” “I’ll never get all this done.” “He doesn’t appreciate what I do.” The more you turn it over, the tighter your chest gets, and the further away sleep feels. Nothing in the room has changed. The only thing happening is a thought, and you believe it.
That’s exactly the moment this book was written for.
What is the book about?
Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is examines how thoughts create suffering, and how investigating that thinking can bring relief. She calls this process inquiry, and the overall method The Work.
Her starting point is as simple as it is uncomfortable:
“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is.”
Think about how often that’s true on an ordinary day. The train is late and you think “this shouldn’t be happening”. It is happening. The argument with reality doesn’t move the train. It only adds tension on top of the delay.
She doesn’t ask you to think positively or to get rid of anything:
“Inquiry is not about getting rid of thoughts; it’s about realizing what’s true for you… Once you see the truth, the thought lets go of you, not the other way around.”
What are the four questions?
The Work helps us shift our perspective by asking and answering four very simple questions about any stressful thought:
Is this thought true?
Can I be absolutely sure that it’s true without a doubt?
How do I react when I believe this thought?
Who would I be without this thought?
That’s all. Four questions, asked slowly, one stressful thought at a time.
How do you use them in everyday life?
Let’s take a thought many of us know well: “I’ll never get all this done.”
1. Is this thought true?
Your first answer may well be “yes, look at my list”. Stay with the question a little longer. The point is not to give the right answer. It’s to look honestly.
“When you ask yourself question 1, your mind begins to open. Even to consider that thought may not be true will let a little light into your mind.”
2. Can I be absolutely sure that it’s true without a doubt?
Never? All of it? Are you certain that everything on the list really has to be done, by you, this week? Usually a small crack appears here. That crack is enough.
3. How do I react when I believe this thought?
Notice what happens in your body and in your behaviour. Perhaps your shoulders rise and your breath gets shallow. Perhaps you rush, snap at the people around you, skip lunch, or reach for chocolate in the middle of the afternoon. This question shows you what the thought costs you.
4. Who would I be without this thought?
Imagine the same day, the same list, without that sentence in your head. You might simply do the next thing, calmly, and then the one after. Nothing outside has changed, and yet you feel completely different.
Why is it harder than it sounds?
The hardest thing about The Work seems to be sitting down and doing it. It’s so simple that we’re tempted to nod, agree and move on. Yet even if you only ask yourself the four questions as you read along, you can feel your thinking start to shift.
Try this today
Choose one thought that has been weighing on you this week. A small one is fine to start with.
Write it down in one short sentence, exactly as it sounds in your head.
Take the four questions one by one and write your answers. On paper, your mind can’t slip away as easily.
Give yourself time. Sit with each question for a moment before you answer.
It helps to be calm before you begin. A few slow breaths will do, and you’ll find simple ones in my step-by-step breathing guide. If relaxation is new to you, have a look at what autogenic training is.
Where does this fit with looking after yourself?
Stress doesn’t only come from what happens to us. A good part of it comes from what we tell ourselves about what happens. You can eat well, sleep enough and take your walk, and still be worn out by a thought that runs all day. That’s why this book belongs next to the practical habits, such as the non-negotiables that keep stress at bay.
It works on the same ground as the ideas in mind your thoughts, change your life, and it’s a kind companion if your stressful thoughts are mostly about yourself, as I describe in from self-criticism to self-love. And if you’re not sure whether stress is behind how you feel, these hidden signs of stress may help you recognise it.
There is not much to it. Four questions. And a lot of thinking. Give it a try!
Frequently asked questions
What are Byron Katie’s four questions?
Is this thought true? Can I be absolutely sure that it’s true without a doubt? How do I react when I believe this thought? Who would I be without this thought?
Do I need to read the whole book to use them?
No. You can start with the four questions today. The book is worth reading because it shows, through many examples, how the questions are applied to real situations, and that makes them much easier to use on your own thoughts.
Is this the same as positive thinking?
No. You’re not asked to replace a dark thought with a bright one, or to pretend everything is fine. You simply check whether the thought is true and notice what believing it does to you.
Which thoughts should I start with?
Start with something small and everyday, such as an irritation about a colleague or a worry about your to-do list. Once you know how the questions feel, you can bring them to bigger things.
When should I talk to my doctor?
If stressful or dark thoughts stay with you for weeks, affect your sleep or your daily life, or leave you feeling anxious or hopeless, please talk to your doctor or a therapist. A book and four questions are a helpful support, but they don’t replace professional care.
Would you like some help?
The thoughts that keep us tense, and what they do to the way we eat, sleep and look after ourselves, are part of what we work on in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and bring along the one thought that has been costing you the most peace lately. We’ll look at it together.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
