Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash
In short: Living well has less to do with doing exceptional things than with being present in the ordinary ones. To see where your time and energy really go, take this simple test: list everything you do in a day, and ask of each activity whether it gives you energy or drains you. Then lighten what drains you, and choose, wherever you can, the things that do you good.
“Make haste to live well, and consider that each day alone is a life.” Seneca
It’s nine in the evening. The dishwasher is humming, you sit down at last, and you try to remember your day. You got up, you got ready, you answered messages, you drove, you worked, you cooked, you tidied. You were busy from morning to night. And yet, if someone asked you what you actually lived today, you’d have to think for a while.
The Roman philosopher Seneca reminds us to take care of ourselves and of our lives every day. What we’re looking for is the quality of our experiences. That doesn’t mean achieving something exceptional. It begins, above all, with being present. It is the value you give to your daily life that gives it meaning.
Why does time slip through our fingers?
Because much of the time we live on automatic pilot. We aren’t really here. We’re lost in our thoughts, caught up in our constraints, obeying one obligation after another.
The quality of your life depends on what you do with the years you’re given, and even more on what you’re aware of while you’re doing it. A day you didn’t notice is a day you didn’t quite live.
So what does living well mean?
To answer that, you need to step back and look at your own life: its constraints, its strengths, and the limits placed on what you can do. Ask yourself:
“What are my obligations? Did I choose them? And do I really see what these constraints are?”
That’s difficult to answer in the abstract. So let’s make it concrete.
Take this simple test
You need a sheet of paper, a pen and about twenty minutes. Choose an ordinary weekday.
1. List every activity of your day
Write them down in order, one per line, and don’t leave out the small ones:
Getting up, your morning rituals, coffee, breakfast
Getting ready: washing, dressing, the children
Your commute
Work, meetings, appointments
Lunch, and how you have it
Coming home, shopping, preparing dinner
Homework, housework, paperwork
Your evening: screens, reading, talking, resting
Going to bed
2. Ask one question of each line
Go down your list, and for every activity ask yourself: “Does it give me energy, or does it drain me?”
Mark each line with a plus or a minus. Answer quickly, without arguing with yourself. You may be surprised: the commute you thought you hated might turn out to be your only quiet moment, and the evening scrolling you thought was rest may get a minus.
3. Look again at what drains you
For each activity marked with a minus, ask: “How can I lighten it, improve it, make it less of a burden?”
Could you do it at another time of day? Share it with someone? Do it less often, or do it with music on? Could you stop doing it altogether? There’s often more room than you think. I wrote about choosing what to drop in achieving more by doing less.
4. Make room for what gives you energy
Now look at the lines marked with a plus. As far as you can, choose and give priority to the activities that make you feel good, and to the tasks that make you feel in control of your life. Protect them the way you’d protect an appointment. That’s the idea behind non-negotiables.
Why does feeling in control change everything?
The feeling of control can come from something very simple: deciding to tidy a cupboard, or to deal with the paperwork you’ve been putting off. The task itself hasn’t changed. What changes is that you decide to do it, and you decide when. Psychologists call this an internal locus of control: you feel you have the choice to do it or not. And that changes everything.
The same ironing can be a chore someone expects of you, or half an hour you chose, with the radio on, because you like opening the wardrobe tomorrow morning and finding it done.
What is flow?
The Hungarian psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi made happiness, creativity and wellbeing the subject of his life’s work. In his book Flow, he describes what he calls the optimal experience: an activity that absorbs you so completely that you’re motivated from the inside and feel deeply satisfied afterwards. For this to happen, he says, you need three things:
a clear goal,
immediate feedback, so you can see how you’re doing as you go,
and abilities that match what you’re being asked to do.
Think of kneading bread, gardening, playing an instrument, or a piece of work that stretches you just enough. Look at your list again: where does this happen in your day? Could it happen a little more often?
How is your day divided?
In another of his books, Finding Flow, Csikszentmihalyi explains the link between our mental energy and time. He divides the waking day into three kinds of activity:
Productive activities: work or study.
Care activities: housework, cooking, cleaning, shopping, eating, washing, dressing, getting from one place to another.
Leisure: media such as television, reading, newspapers and radio, entertainment such as sport, films and restaurants, time with friends, resting and simply wandering.
People have always shared their days between these three, from our earliest ancestors until now. We live by cycles of work, leisure and time with others, and by the biological rhythms of our bodies, which we need to learn to know. If you’d like to understand yours better, read how to look after your body clock.
You might go back to your list one more time and write P, C or L beside each line. How much of your day goes to each? Is there any leisure at all, and is it the kind that gives you energy?
Why does attention matter so much?
You can only do one thing at a time, because your brain can only take in so much at once. And it’s the quality of your attention that decides how you meet whatever happens: in other words, how much mental energy you have available. There’s more on this in how to look after your mental energy.
The more focused you are on what you’re doing, the better the experience. And when you aren’t there, you miss your own life. A cup of tea drunk while reading emails is hardly a cup of tea. If being present feels difficult, start with something small, such as a simple breathing practice, or build one or two mindful habits into the day you already have.
Try this today
Do the test this evening, for the day you’ve just had.
Choose one activity with a minus, and change one thing about it tomorrow.
Choose one activity with a plus, and give it your whole attention: no phone, no second task.
Decide on one small job you’ve been putting off, and do it at a time you choose.
When you choose your activities, you feel more in charge of your own existence. And remember: it is not so much what you live as how you live it that matters. Learning to take care of yourself is the first step.
Frequently asked questions
What is the test, in one sentence?
Write down everything you do in an ordinary day, from getting up to going to bed, and ask of each activity: does it give me energy, or does it drain me? Then look at how you could lighten the ones that drain you.
How long does it take?
About twenty minutes with paper and a pen. Do it for an ordinary weekday first. You can repeat it for a weekend day later, because the answers are often different.
What if most of my day drains me?
Do not try to change everything. Choose one draining activity and make it a little lighter, and protect one activity that gives you energy. If you feel exhausted most of the time, speak to your doctor as well.
What is flow?
Flow is the word the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi uses for the moments when you are so absorbed in what you are doing that you forget the time. It tends to happen when you have a clear goal, you can see straight away how you are doing, and the task matches what you are capable of.
Do I need more free time to live well?
Not necessarily. Living well has more to do with how present you are in the time you have, and with how much of your day you feel you have chosen, than with the number of free hours.
Would you like some help?
Looking honestly at your days, including how, when and where you eat, is part of what we do in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to hear when the next group opens, write to me at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Would you rather work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and bring your list with its pluses and minuses. We’ll look together at where a little more energy could come from.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
