Photo by Todd Rhines on Unsplash
In short: A mistake tells you that something didn’t work. It says nothing about your worth. When you ask what it can teach you, ask someone you trust for an honest view and treat yourself kindly, the same mistake becomes a step forward. That is what I mean when I say there are no mistakes, only opportunities.
You press send, and one second later you see it: the wrong name, the wrong attachment, the sentence you should have taken out. Or you hear yourself say something sharp to someone you love. Or it’s bigger than that: a job you shouldn’t have accepted, a decision about money, a promise to yourself that you broke again last night. Your stomach tightens, your face goes hot, and a voice in your head starts its familiar speech: how could you be so stupid?
Have you ever made a mistake you thought would ruin everything? Have you ever felt like giving up because you believed you would never recover from it? If so, I’d like to offer you another way of looking at it.
Why do mistakes feel so awful?
Most of us learnt very early that mistakes are something to be ashamed of. At school they were marked in red. At work they are discussed in meetings. So when something goes wrong, we don’t only think “that didn’t work”. We think “there is something wrong with me”.
These are two very different thoughts. The first one looks at what happened, and you can do something with it. The second one looks at who you are, and all it does is make you smaller. It is also the voice that keeps you awake at night, going over the same scene again and again without ever arriving anywhere. If you know that voice well, you may like to read From self-criticism to self-love.
And there is a hidden cost. When mistakes feel unbearable, we stop trying new things. We stay with what we know, we don’t apply, we don’t ask, we don’t begin. As Paulo Coelho wrote: “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
What does “no mistakes, only opportunities” really mean?
It doesn’t mean pretending that everything is wonderful, or that what you did had no consequences. It means that every misstep, every slip-up and every stumble carries information you didn’t have before. Whether the mistake is small or big, you can turn it into something useful.
Think of Thomas Edison, one of the great inventors. He is remembered for saying that he had not failed, he had simply found a great many ways that didn’t work. He didn’t see his attempts as failures. He saw each one as a step closer to the solution, and he kept going until he had a light bulb that worked.
The same is true for you. Think of how a child learns to walk: she falls, looks surprised, gets up and tries again, and nobody around her calls it failing. We lose that ease somewhere along the way, but we can find it again. You can take what happened and use it to make a better decision next time.
How can you learn from a mistake instead of dwelling on it?
Dwelling and learning can look alike, because in both cases you are thinking about what happened. The difference is the direction. Dwelling looks backwards and asks “why am I like this?”. Learning looks forwards and asks better questions:
What happened, in plain facts, without the commentary?
What did I learn from this?
What can I do differently next time?
Is there something to repair, or someone to apologise to?
Let me give you an example from my own field. You decided to eat well this week, and on Thursday evening you find yourself in front of the cupboard with an empty biscuit packet. You can call it a failure and give up until Monday. Or you can look at it with curiosity. Did you skip lunch? Were you exhausted, or upset about something? Had you had enough to eat during the day? Suddenly the evening is no longer a proof that you have no willpower. It shows you what you need: a proper lunch, an earlier night, a moment to breathe when you come home. This happens a lot, and it’s the reason I wrote Why change is hard, and how to make healthy habits stick.
Your thoughts about the mistake matter as much as the mistake itself, as I explain in Mind your thoughts, change your life.
Why ask other people for feedback?
When you are in the middle of it, you see your mistake from very close, and usually much bigger than it is. Someone else sees it from a distance. So don’t be afraid to ask for help and guidance from those around you: a mentor, a friend, a member of your family who will be honest and kind at the same time.
Choose the person well, and ask a real question. Not “was I terrible?”, but “what would you have done?” or “what do you think I could try next time?”. You may hear something that isn’t comfortable. You will nearly always hear something useful, and very often you’ll discover that the other person has made the same mistake and survived it. A good friend is precious in those moments.
Try this the next time something goes wrong
1. Breathe first
Before you do or say anything, take a few slow breaths. A mind in alarm sees only disaster. Give your body a minute to calm down, and the situation will already look a little different.
2. Describe what happened in one sentence
Only the facts. “I sent the email to the wrong person.” “I shouted at my daughter.” Leave out “as usual” and “I always”.
3. Put right what you can
Correct it, apologise, make the phone call. Do it soon. A mistake you’ve dealt with weighs far less than one you’re hiding from.
4. Write down what you’ve learnt
One or two lines in a notebook are enough: what I learnt, and what I’ll do differently. Writing it down tells your mind that the lesson has been received and it can stop repeating it to you.
5. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend
What would you say to a friend who had done the same thing? Probably something like “it happens, you’ll sort it out”. Say exactly that to yourself. If this feels strange, there’s more in Why self-compassion is key to a fulfilling life.
6. Take the next small step
Don’t wait until you feel confident again. Do one small thing in the right direction today, and let that be enough. Keeping going matters more than getting it right, which is what I wrote about in Persistence.
Does one mistake say who you are?
No. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect, and we all stumble along the way. Your mistakes do not reflect your worth. They show that you were doing something, trying something, living your life rather than watching it from the side.
So don’t be afraid to take chances. Be kind to yourself, keep what the experience has taught you, and move forward. It takes a little courage, and you have more of it than you think.
Frequently asked questions
How do I stop dwelling on a mistake?
Give it a set time and a piece of paper. Write down what happened, what you learnt and what you’ll do differently, then close the notebook and do something with your hands or your feet: cook, walk, tidy a drawer. Thinking in circles needs stillness, and moving breaks the circle.
What if my mistake hurt someone else?
Then the first step is a sincere apology, without excuses, and an offer to put right what can be put right. After that, the same questions apply: what did I learn, and what will I do differently? Punishing yourself for weeks doesn’t help the other person.
How do I get over the fear of failing?
By making the steps smaller. Fear grows when everything depends on one big attempt. Try something small where little is at stake, see that you survive it, and then try the next thing. Courage is built in small steps, like a muscle.
Is every mistake really an opportunity?
Not every mistake feels like one, and some have painful consequences that deserve to be taken seriously. But there is always something to take from it: a lesson about yourself, a clearer idea of what you want, or simply more kindness for others when they stumble.
Would you like some help?
Changing the way you eat and live never goes in a straight line, and learning to treat a slip as information rather than failure is part of what we practise in my group programmes in nutrition and health, such as Six Tuesdays in Montignac. If you’d like to know when the next group opens, send me a few lines at hello@catherinepolet.coach.
Do you prefer to work one to one? I also coach online. Book a free 20-minute call, and tell me about the thing you keep “getting wrong”. We’ll look at it together, kindly, and see what it has to teach you.
About Catherine
I’m Catherine Polet, a holistic nutrition health coach, yoga and autogenic training teacher for more than 30 years, author and speaker. I help people find a way of eating and living that suits their own body, online in English, French, Spanish and German, and in person in Southwest France.
